Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I learned you can use disposable masks to brew Espresso. That’s because they’re Coughy filters.

   Guys, when your wife starts a sentence with "when you get a chance", just go ahead and start putting your shoes on. She means now.

   The Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters.

   Dear women's basketball, your 15 minutes of fame is over. See you in a few years.

   I love the three little pigs; Bacon, Ham, and Sausage!

   I wonder what the part of my brain, that used to store telephone numbers, is doing nowadays.

   Marriage tip: When you're away from your wife for a night, ignore all of her phone calls. This will cause her to miss you more while you're gone so that she'll love you more when you're home.

   Marriage tip: Ladies, keep your husband on his toes by randomly asking him "Are you listening to me?" That way you always have his full attention.

   Disney teaches us to hate stepmothers. PornHub takes a whole different approach.

   When a police car circles around to go after the criminal, how do you know it's a police car? .... It just did a donut

   Science fact: a dog extracts more information from smelling a pile of excrement than a human does from reading the Daily Mail.

   I have a concrete strip on my front lawn painted to look like a slip n slide and every summer 10 to 15 kids learn a valuable lesson on it.

   Everyone criticizes the Salem Witch Trials, but we haven’t had a witch attack in over 350 years.

   April Fools Day is coming up this Saturday. Look for lots of articles about global warming.

   Marriage tip: Women are naturally bad drivers. So, never ever let your wife drive the car. You, as the alpha Male of your household, should stay in the driver's seat and take your family where they need to go safely.

   Now that I’m in my 60’s, I suddenly find that I have a talent for breakdancing!. Every time I try to dance, I break something.

   It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”

   The woman at the tire store told me today to come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued, without even a hint of a smile on her face

   Marriage tip: If your wife wants to play video games with you, just remind her that the dishwasher makes awesome arcade sounds.

   Cops came to my house, accusing my dog of chasing a guy in his Mustang ... I told the cops my dog wouldn't be caught dead driving a Ford