Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shaquille O' Neal in green? Anyone else thinking Shrek?

   There are certain truths in life: Lasagna just tastes better the next day as a leftover!

   I have never understood why advertisers feel the need to show you extreme close-up shots in dog and cat food commercials. Its not like we are the ones eating it?!?!

   I enjoy working out at the gym. It helps me to know that other people are suffering with me!

   Definition of a Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

   loving Brett Favre's annual cover of the song "Should I Stay or Should I Go"

   told this morning he/she look great today by a stranger, I felt great, until I realized they were blind

   Always be sure to keep a good Facebook profile picture. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.

   Off is the general direction in which I wish you would f*ck.

   "1 2 3 4, I declare a tongue war!" seems like it would be an awesome pick up line but it's not. Trust me.

   Good... Morning America, Afternoon Europe, Evening Asia, Night Australia... Did I get that right?

   I'm eating cold soup with a fork. Windows 7 was my idea.

   One day you're going to look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

   When do you think Brett Favre will be retiring from making retirement announcements about retiring?

   Sometimes the birthday reminders on Facebook remind me of the friends I need to delete.

   AN INTERESTING FACT ABOUT AUGUST 2010... This August has 5 Sundays, 5 Mondays, 5 Tuesdays, all in one month. It happens once in 823 years.

   Thanks to Facebook, I no longer check breaking news, celebrity obituaries or wonder what the current weather is like.

   "The best revenge is a life well-lived" is so true, but it doesn't provide the instant gratification I seek.

   I try to surround myself with happy, positive people, but sometimes they just really piss me off.

   I'm already deleting my drunk Facebook status updates, and it's not even tomorrow.