Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look up the word "idiot" in the dictionary and you know what you'll find? The definition of idiot, you idiot.

   I asked my friend how his date went, insisted I sniff his fingers... worse part is , he's gay...

   Apparently each year, more people get killed by donkeys than in aeroplane crashes.So to summarize, if you ever see a donkey on an aeroplane, you're in f*cking trouble.

   Whoever says that pizza is not good for you is sooo wrong. You can actually get every single food group into a single slice. You can't say that about much else.

   just once I'd like to eat dinner with a celebrity that isn't bound an gagged

   There's literally no one in the world who uses the word "literally" properly

   I went to my proctologist and as I was bending over I heard him say "calm down Smith, calm down Smith" I looked back and told him "Doctor, my last name is Green, not Smith" and he said "I know, Smith is me"

   it considered cheating if you have to kiss your boss' ass?

   heard some thunder yesterday & it wasn't even raining. I guess what I'm really trying to say here is that Stevie Nicks is full of crap.

   wonders who wants to a fairy princess when it's so much more fun to be the wicked queen

   gathering Kardashians to throw at you.

   Sometimes I miss you so much,I just want to rip you out of my dreams and hug you!

   Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar

   Middle school- "shut up, it was a dare!" High school- "shut up, I was drunk!"

   I remember the good old days when Nigerians were just scamming people on the internet...

   I just got a text saying... I'm Not The Girl Ur Mother Warned you About,,, Her Imagination Was Never This Good. Umm... you wanna come over?

   Snooki look like a retarded version of Kim kardashian

   MSN has an article asking "is it time to break up with your doctor"? Any time you feel two hands on your shoulders during your rectal exam.

   A Tibetian Mastiff was sold in China for 600,000 dollars. You can buy the same dog in Vietnam for 5 dollars and it includes a side of fries and a drink.

   Behind every successful man is a woman. She's behind him because he's running away from the crazy b1tch as fast as he can.