Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   more awesome than The Miz.

   You go to bed right now mister... How dare you post on here about your mother you are grounded for a week with no lemon bar deserts!

   Anyone else hate when there mom says they have to go to bed because it's too late? I mean really mom... it's 9 pm I know you are just looking out for me but I am 35 and I deserve some respect!

   climbing in your windows & snatching your people up. Hide yo kids. Hide yo wife.

   Your Skin Is Pale White and you dont go out in the sun. Say it,Vampire. No I just play a lot of world of warcraft.

   BBC News: "Plus size women worth $10 billion to the fashion industry." Nothing compared to what they're worth to the food industry...

   Sugar daddy: Like a genie - he may be a little old, but if a girl rubs his lamp, he'll grant her wishes.

   Just overheard someone say "I've got a gut feeling in my stomach." That kind of use of the English language makes me want to punch his face in the face.

   Why don't autobiographies ever end with the person writing a book?

   Today, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was stupid idea, but I couldn't change the channel because I was under a blanket and I didn't want my arms to get cold…

   went to a country jamboree when this slutty dressed girl tripped and ended up on her back...Couldn't help it...I yelled Now that's a HO DOWN!!!

   it possible that at Brett Favre's age he just keeps forgetting he retired?

   "Hi, Welcome to Abercrombie. Our sizes are; Small, X Small, Anorexic, Bulemic, and Malnourished."

   When dogs leap onto your bed, it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed, it's because they adore your bed.

   How come the actors in fast food commercials are all thin?

   I fear the day Facebook decides to inform users of who has viewed their profile... and how many times. ツ

   You laugh because I'm different... I laugh because you're all the same.

   I dare you to wink as much in real life as you do on online.

   I don't understand some elevator people... Do you really think pushing the elevator button more than once makes it move faster?

   “Hey. What do I do again?” -- Me greeting my boss every Monday morning.