Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A short list of things I seem unable to care about: vampires, shows about vampires, actors who play vampires, love lives of vampire actors.

   So if I get a job at Walmart, do I pull my own teeth out, or does it happen during orientation?

   What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

   When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can't stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"

   Every time I clean up I feel as if I am depriving archaeologists of clues to my daily life.

   “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have” I told my staff while standing naked smoking a bong waiting for money from the government.

   Wearing pajamas and a robe. I feel like Hugh Hefner, minus everything.

   Each day is like a gift. A gift from someone who doesn't know your size and doesn't bother to include the receipt.

   Bathroom wall: Can I get a witness? Written below: I don't know. Are you going to do anything worth watching?

   not sure why I should care that Favre is saying he is finally going to retire. Really? Isn't like the 15 millionth time he's said as much? Hey Brett! Ever heard of the story about the boy who cried wolf?

   Does anyone else mutter "righty tighty and lefty loosey" when tightening or unscrewing anything?

   You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

   I ask Google all the questions I'm too embarrassed to ask other people.

   Having one child makes you a parent. Having two makes you a referee.

   What an awesome Springer quote: "You're the crazy one! You chase me with a hammer and yell all the time, the whole trailer park knows."

   You wouldn't believe how much time it's taken for me to send this Facebook Status update from a payphone.

   Brett Favre retired today from the Minnesota Vikings of the National Football League... In other news, the Sun rose in the east this morning...

   I'm thinking about making my own brand of beer and call it, "Responsibly." That way I would get free advertising from all my competitors. "Please drink Responsibly."

   thinks it's wrong when you go to a strip club and the sign says "Tonight only, all you can eat crab"

   Brett Favre retired today, I'm not Worried about it too much. It's kinda like when Snoop Dog quit's weed. It really means nothing."