Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was not surprised to hear the obese woman in front of me in the Funnel Cake line say, "I only come to the fair to eat." However, I was skeptical when she added, "I like that I can eat AND walk around."

   I just read this in a news story: “Williams' body was found stuffed in a bag in the bathroom of his apartment with no obvious signs of foul play.” Um, isn't his body being in a bag in the bathroom a pretty good indicator that something went wrong?

   Every top 10 list I've ever seen has at least two entries that are clearly better than number 1... especially when it comes to the preseason College Football poles.

   I finally got around to reading the story of the headless horseman.Up until now I always thought the story was about a horse rider that couldn't get a erection.

   Ecclesiastes assures us... that there is a time for every purpose under heaven. A time to laugh... and a time to weep. A time to mourn... and there is a time to dance.

   Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

   The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi.

   when I go to Starbucks and the cashier asks me my name so the barista can call out my order, I say "Latte."

   Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.

   The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi.

   When did "MUST READ" become code for "This is a total waste of time?"

   They should change the name from "Girls Gone Wild" to "Girls Got Drunk!!!"

   Growing up, I dreamed of becoming a meteorologist. Now, I've got 3 weather apps on my phone. Living the dream people.

   I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like P. Diddy but it wore of by the morning,

   Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?

   4 out of 5 dentists recommend me

   planning a vacation to get away from people....see you guys in couple of hours, will facebook hourly to update you guys about my vacation

   I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!

   ‎1994 is the worst year ever, Kurt Cobain died and Justin Bieber was born

   Yesterday I was 2 away from a threesome. I love college!