Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are certain truths in life: Lasagna just tastes better the next day as a leftover!

   I have never understood why advertisers feel the need to show you extreme close-up shots in dog and cat food commercials. Its not like we are the ones eating it?!?!

   I enjoy working out at the gym. It helps me to know that other people are suffering with me!

   Definition of a Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

   loving Brett Favre's annual cover of the song "Should I Stay or Should I Go"

   told this morning he/she look great today by a stranger, I felt great, until I realized they were blind

   Always be sure to keep a good Facebook profile picture. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.

   Off is the general direction in which I wish you would f*ck.

   "1 2 3 4, I declare a tongue war!" seems like it would be an awesome pick up line but it's not. Trust me.

   Good... Morning America, Afternoon Europe, Evening Asia, Night Australia... Did I get that right?

   I'm eating cold soup with a fork. Windows 7 was my idea.

   One day you're going to look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

   When do you think Brett Favre will be retiring from making retirement announcements about retiring?

   Sometimes the birthday reminders on Facebook remind me of the friends I need to delete.

   AN INTERESTING FACT ABOUT AUGUST 2010... This August has 5 Sundays, 5 Mondays, 5 Tuesdays, all in one month. It happens once in 823 years.

   Thanks to Facebook, I no longer check breaking news, celebrity obituaries or wonder what the current weather is like.

   "The best revenge is a life well-lived" is so true, but it doesn't provide the instant gratification I seek.

   I try to surround myself with happy, positive people, but sometimes they just really piss me off.

   I'm already deleting my drunk Facebook status updates, and it's not even tomorrow.

   Only Picasso would have said I look lovely this morning.