Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Doesn't understand an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. How limber do you have be to blow into the thing?

   meteor showering with Axe shower gel.

   Your follicles are ugly! Your roots are a joke! I have seen better parts in a mechanic shop!!...Oops sorry, I was teasing my hair.

   Wal-mart employee-"can I help you"? Me-"do you have anything i'd like". Employee-"how would I know what you'd like"? Me-"you started this".

   Archaeologists have discoved the site of Britain's oldest house. It is also believed to be the house in which the Stones first got togather.

   going downhill from now on! HEY. that's the way I roll....

   Tiger Woods' golf game, marriage crumbles. I guess going from 120 holes down to 18 has been too hard an adjustment for him!

   the leader of the show, make the ladies say "Oh!"

   officially resigning from adulthood!!! ...if you want to discuss this further you'll have to catch me first, cos... "Tag! You're it."

   Watching tear jerker movies and eating big bowls of ice cream .. anybody got a Tampax ?

   Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.

   baffled how I have to wake up early every day and deal with people who are unpleasant and David Carusso still has an acting job.

   How many animals can you get into a pair of tights? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 p*ssy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

   A study reported that iPhone users have more sex. Most likely cause is that there's an app for that.

   Do you really have to like everything on Facebook....????

   has come to the conclusion that people who think they are better than anybody else have to think that way because no one else thinks they are...

   as bored as a midget in a theme park

   reality shows about cake bosses, exterminators, ghost chasing plumbers, douchey Jersey people , pawn brokers, repo guys, and vapid celebutards... what's next? A show about paint drying?

   decided to go barefoot, because i'm always thinking outside the socks

   loves Fridays but Friday the 13th is so stressfull. You have to watch out for black cats, don't walk under a ladder, open an umbrella inside and watch out for guys named Jason with machettes.