Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

   wants a shag in front of the fire and one night stand, better head to Ikea

   Today, I saw a Proactive commercial with Justin Bieber as the spokesperson. Don't you have to go through puberty to have acne?

   dreaming the dream but living living the nightmare

   Cause I gave up smokin', Women and drinkin' last night And it was the worst 15 minutes of my life

   ~I almost made the mistake of doing some cleaning tonight. Luckily I realized Hoarders is on; so there will be no cleaning AND no guilt

   Know what I love???? Free handguns and Hard liquor night at the ball park!!! Ton's of fun!

   Road rage and profanity: The breakfast of champions.

   I flip that middle finger and that index finger follows. Deuces!

   Cruel irony: the owner of Segway died in a Segway accident yesterday. Google it, it happened.

   Nothing says "I don't have a mode of transportation" like being the dude hugging another dude on the back of a Harley.

   Nobody is perfect, I am Nobody.

   I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.

   Bandaids come in two varieties. The kind that won't stay on and the kind that won't come off.

   n't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman can be up to 30 years in jail, but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is another two years in office?

   When someone say "You Changed" that means you are not catering to them any more

   Have you ever been to a town so small that when you say, "Hey Bubba"! everyone turns around and waves?

   I'm hearing that the founder of Friendster is donating like $75 to the University of Phoenix.

   Starbucks says that the rising cost of coffee is forcing them to raise prices. Oddly, they never seem to lower them when coffee prices drop

   Seriously, why is Lindsay Lohan's 4th drug test fail helicopter-worthy? At this point the press should be sending scooters.