Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of sh!tting on you.

   Don't focus on the one person who hates you. You don't go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog sh!t.

   Good morning Tuesday...tell your pal Friday he needs to come around here tomorrow.

   Were drunk! you dont have to know or like me to make passionate movie love to me!! Tomorrow we'll act like it never happend!

   Each day is a gift...Mondays are gag gifts!

   Home and drunk before midnight, and not sleeping in the drunk tank with a roll of toilet paper as a pillow......woo hoo!!!

   I was thinkin bout her, thinkin bout me, what we gonna be? open my eyes, yeah... it was only just a dreammmmmmmmm .....

   Evidently that good samaritan bullsh*t doesn't apply when you help an old lady cross the street on the hood of your car.

   If it isn't less than I'm doing right now, then it's hardly the least I can do.

   I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

   Ever have one of those days when you just want to go home and take a long hot bath with a small electric kitchen appliance?

   thinks it's ironic that the man that brought the Segway to life was brought to death by his invention.

   Interesting piece of history: In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

   I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

   Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

   wants a shag in front of the fire and one night stand, better head to Ikea

   Today, I saw a Proactive commercial with Justin Bieber as the spokesperson. Don't you have to go through puberty to have acne?

   dreaming the dream but living living the nightmare

   Cause I gave up smokin', Women and drinkin' last night And it was the worst 15 minutes of my life

   ~I almost made the mistake of doing some cleaning tonight. Luckily I realized Hoarders is on; so there will be no cleaning AND no guilt