Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a love-ate relationship with food.

   Cut my life into pizza's, this is my plastic fork. Oven baking, heavy breathing, dont give a f**k if it's carbs that I'm eatting;)

   Judging from the ads that constantly besiege us, I guess TV execs think that the only ones home watching TV during the day are injured at work, sick from a recalled medication, or unemployed with an abundance of gold jewelry.

   Man vs. Wild = MAN WINS!!.....Man vs. Discovery Channel = The Police Win!! I can't wait to watch the Discovery Channel Special of the Hostage Crisis on the Discovery Channel.

   Signs that you have no life: when you have nothing better to do than complain.

   One of my pet peeves is women who don't put the toilet seat back up when they're finished.

   With a name like "Earl," I'm more afraid this hurricane will get drunk and beat a pregnant woman, than I am that it will cause flooding.

   I'm feeling so good today, I'd like to ask you to high-five the person next to you and tell them it's from me.

   Does all this updating my Facebook status make my ego look fat?

   I'm not saying our schools suck, but after one day of sex ed, my kid thinks single parents are the result of masturbation.

   The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.

   When someone says, "Expect the unexpected," I like to punch them in the face to express my agreement.

   If there's one thing I definitely couldn't live without, it would probably be my body.

   I just saved a ton of money by not paying my car insurance bill.

   "Maybe later..." is a polite way of saying "Never"

   I wish James J. Lee had watched CNN News instead of the Discovery channel.

   Free samples shouldn't be limited to ice cream stores. How can I be sure this fifth of Vodka is worth the 6 dollars without a quick chug?

   When I see a bumper sticker that says "Bring home the Troops," I mentally finish the sentence with "then send in the Ninjas."

   They should really replace, "I now pronounce you man and wife" with "FINISH HIM!!!" (mortal combat music blasting)

   "No offense" means "I'm about to insult you, but don't get mad."