Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.

   I feel pretty useless when I see that people living off a spoonful of rice a day can somehow muster the energy to build an irrigation system for their village when I can't even answer a question before I eat breakfast.

   I hate how I procrastinate so much that by the time I reach the end of my to-do list, I have to go back and uncheck "laundry."

   First dates in movies always consist of activities that would never work in real life. Oh, paddle boating in a lake... so romantic until the first fight comes 4 seconds in on which person is not pulling their weight.

   There is such a thing as making too good of an impression on the first date. I've wined and dined you superbly and we've had great conversation... now I gotta be Don Julio in the sack or this house of cards is gonna crumble.

   Given how much lint I pull out of the lint trap in my dryer, why aren't my clothes dissolving faster?

   I don't need to see 48 pictures of the vehicle you just bought. It's a used Sonata. Relax.

   I hate when you try dodging someone walking the opposite direction and you both step the same way, twice.

   I learned to cuss from Too Short.

   Dear suicidal insects on my windshield: Stop it, I can't see.

   If you were inside my head, A penny for my thoughts would be an overpayment.

   bad news is time flys, good news is your the pilot

   If girls are made of sugar and spice, how come they taste like anchovies?

   Why do repairmen never have the part they need to fix something and say they'll come back in a few days when they get it? It's like a cop showing up to arrest someone and saying "Oh sorry. Looks like I'll need handcuffs. I'll be back in few days with them

   shhhh..I am having a staring contest with the back of her eyelids and I think I am about to win

   worried, my monkey has a drinking problem

   saying of course, the Squirrels!! gotta save the Squirrels..those flying ones are some cool gliding rodents

   come to the conclusion, after visiting her grandparents, that she is moving into a retirement home.. they have chairs in the shower and the toilets have arm rests!!! Can anyone say..SWEET!!!

   thanks his mum for teaching him TIME TRAVEL as a kid. She would always say: "straighten up or I'll knock you into next week!"

   Hoping the hurricane washes up jersey shore!