Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wishes you were an Etch and Sketch. I'd shake the sh!t out of you and watch you disappear.

   life is such a fkn rollercoaster then it drops, but what should I scream for? this is my theme park. my mind shine even when my thoughts seem dark.

   YAY! I just won Australia's Next Top Model.... no wait, they was a mistake? How could this happen?

   Blame someone else and get on with your life.

   thinks it's inappropriate for Sea World to have a seafood restaurant.

   Behind every successfull woman... is a man checking out at her ass!

   In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word - "Yes Dear."

   hates that kids complain about video games for "Loading"... Back in my day we had to blow the sh*t out of games just to play'em and even then it was a gamble to work. So kids, Shut up!"

   Wait a couple minutes before you bite into a hotdog that just came out the microwave.

   Katy Perry is brought to you today by the number 34 and the letters "D D" Can You tell me how to get,how to get to sex-with-me-street?

   I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'. You probably saw our posters.**

   I call it "No-Pants Wonderday," but it turns out the police just call it "Thursday." Go figure.

   If I ever come back to life as an appliance, I hope it's not as a refrigerator. I bet it's pretty annoying the way people try to cram all those magnets and pictures on you.

   Last week a stranger told me that "the pen is mightier than the sword," so I challenged him to prove it. I cut him up pretty badly, but he was right: that permanent ink is tough to get off.

   I bet that lactose-intolerant mice get picked on a lot.

   Smokey the Bear says that "only you can prevent forest fires." Great. My job is hectic enough, and now I have to go around doing the work of lazy firefighters?

   I really enjoy that new real-life TV show about the guy who spends his whole day surfing the internet at work while trying to look busy in front of his boss. Oh wait, that's just my average day.

   Some people swear by taking "power naps" for energy. I say screw the naps, if you want real energy all you need is a handful of sugar and a dash of crystal meth.

   never run from a fat cop......he won't chase you, but you wont get away either.

   You guys will NOT believe how much ice cream I just ate, but to give you a clue it was served in one of those orange construction cones.