Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I worry that I've been wasting my life, I cheer myself up by remembering that I have never read a Twilight book.

   Ever worry that the sensor on the back of an automatic toilet is actually a little video camera?

   Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy? It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....

   There are 70 ways to make a woman happy. 1 is shopping and then do the rest. If you know what I mean.

   It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.

   I would like to wish all the moms out there a Happy Labor Day Weekend!!! What?... That's not what that means?

   The definition of a beautiful woman to me is the one who loves me,,,

   The fastest way to lose friends... Simple... Just loan them money! Sad but true!!

   Facebook is the only place where it's normal to talk to a wall!

   "CARPE SCROTUM"..seize the day by the balls!!!

   if I throw water on you will you melt or multiply?

   Rarely does one meet a ferret owner that isn't really creepy and weird

   There's a new soft drink which contains Viagra instead of Caffeine. It's called mount-n-do.

   Recently lost a penny. If you've seen it, please FedEx it overnight to me. It was copper in color and had a picture of a dude's profile on it.

   "I have to cut down on my friends so I may have to delete some of you". you mean I don't have to read your 'ugh its Monday' or 'blah blah hump day' or 'tgif' posts anymore? Well, let me make a preemptive strike on that.

   I want a job in construction. I want to apply to be that guy who is never doing anything when you drive by slowly because they are merging lanes. this guy can usually be seen holding a cigarette and wearing his football teams logo on his hard hat

   there needs to be a new traffic light color. something like blue that means 'hey idiot, stop texting the lights about to turn Green'

   Stephen Hawking says there is no God. I guess that A-Hole has never eaten at the Cheesecake Factory

   Should we REALLY put labels on paint cans warning people that eating it could kill them? I mean, should we TRY to save anyone who would make a conscious decision to eat paint?

   not responsible for LMAO's that actually cause ur ass to fall off. Or LOL's that cause you being arrested 4 laughing too loud. Or people that are "dying laughing" I am not responsible for... funeral fees. With that being said. Enjoy my wall.