Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My cat must have eaten an entire Reggae band, the darn thing keeps hoiking up dreadlocks!

   Asking a politician about their stance on an issue is like asking Justin Bieber about his sexuality. You're never going to get a straight answer.

   Before I know I'm in for a hellacious night of drinking, I try to plan a few common sense things out ahead of time, like a hotel or a DD or something like that. There's always one variable I forget, though - I'm an invincible moron when I'm drunk.

   When I'm texting with a girl I like and inviting her to join in my plans, I like to end the message with, "Want to come?" There's nothing like the inducement to get her to say yes.

   Why do people ask, "Do you have a cell phone?" You might as well be asking them if I have a pulse.

   No clean cereal bowls? Line a strainer with plastic wrap. Laziness is the father of invention.

   There is no regulation for the use of foul language in my office. You better f*cking believe I abuse the hell out of that sh*t.

   I triple-majored in college to give myself a range of options to explore and find career I'd love. Three working years later, I've narrowed down the options significantly: anything not involving those majors.

   This girl asked me, "Why guys always have their hands down their pants?" I told her, "When you've got something great, you want to hold onto it."

   I've realized that when taking care of really drunk friends, I have to treat them like they're 5-year-olds. "Mmm this water is so delicious! You want to try some?" And the funny thing is, it works. "Yeah, give me some of that sh*t!"

   A job interview is like a first date. You dress up, pretend to be someone else and spend the time wondering if you're going to get screwed.

   I'm not hiding anything... but stop looking at my phone while I'm texting.

   Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn't talking about sneezing.

   The guy who invented the "backseat windows can only roll down halfway" feature really overlooked the fact that no one would want that feature.

   Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.

   I don't trust people who like me the second we meet. I'm an acquired taste.

   Wanna be happy and married? Erase the last two words from the previous sentence.

   The only magic trick I know is transforming a full potato chip bag into a trash bag.

   Like all moms, there are days when Mother Nature just wants to feel sexy. Somehow, this leads to hurricanes.

   lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.