Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

   The future isn't what it used to be...

   Don't you hate that when it rains people who has an umbrella keep walking underneath the awnings, and let people who doesn't have one get wet? Ugh! I just want to grab the umbrella and put a hole in it!!

   I try to misbehave appropriately.

   if your'e on top of the world, it tuns around every 24 hours.

   You know your relationship is in trouble when she loads her vibrator with batteries from the TV remote, alarm clock and your pacemaker.

   a cop owning a doughnut shop, it makes perfect sense, cut out the middle man...

   I hope whilst they are recalling all these BMW's for faulty brakes, they fix their indicators cause I havnt found a BMW working indicator when i'm on the road B***std's

   I know how the saying goes....no pain, no gain. But my philosophy is no pain, no pain!

   wake me up when September ends.

   I'm not fat, I'm kidnap proof

   To whom it may concern, The inventor of thirsty Thursday obviously never had to work on friday...

   Hi, I'm chucky! wanna play?"

   Rise and shine Billie Joe Armstrong... It's October!

   It's only cheating if you get caught. Well, if you never get caught, you're stuck in two meaningless relationships.

   fixed a $2 toy with an $8 tube of glue. Because the rules of economics don't apply to parenthood.

   Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

   I get drunk and bid on ebay!

   I finally got my wireless internet to work...this is the best thing to happen to me since the negative pregnancy test...

   Whenever I accidentally enter a wrong room I like to yell out a large number before excusing myself and leaving. That way everyone is left with a mystery to discuss, such as "What the hell does 402 mean?"