Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?

   When you tell a kid "maybe" all they here is "I swear on my life this will DEF happen!"

   a recent survey has found that most men do not partake in doing Gym, Tan, Laundry (GTL) as ritual before going to an evening event/gala. Adversely, men are apt to remain active in an older tradition spanning many decades... Shave, Shower, Sh-it. (SSS)

   Cremation..........think outside the box

   When in doubt, whip it out..

   Wouldn't you think that lego people give the perfect hand jobs!?!?!

   If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged... I would just start yelling out letters!

   Do you realize that in about 40-50 years, nursing homes will be filled with old ladies with tramp stamps over their butts? I don't want to even think about the piercings.

   Cell phones are great but I wish people would select better ringtones than, "Ring, ding, dong, Ringer, Ringer, Ding, Ding, Dong..."WTF???

   Interesting NFL fact: Brett Favre is the only active play to be drafted by the Confederate Army and the NFL

   I also propose that two gay nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque to promote tolerance in the mosque. We could call them "The Turban Cowboy"and "You Mecca Me Hot."

   Right now my life is like a video game I'm stuck on this level without ne cheat codes

   stephen hawking may be a genius, but he is not setting much of an example to kids by just sitting at his computer all day

   the only difference between a oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is the taste

   Setting a trap for the tooth fairy. chalk, string, duct tape and a little dynamite. theif should of gave me more than $1 for my tooth.....she's toast.

   how can the world end in 2012 if I have a yogurt that expires is 2013?

   I really hope I don't get abducted by aliens. I haven't learned to speak Spanish yet!

   A man gets on a plane with 6 kids. The flight attendant asks, "Are these your kids?" The man replies, "No, I work for Trojan and these are customer complaints!"

   You know you're a mother when you hide in the bathroom to be alone!

   The fact that I have a Southern accent, doesn't make me stupid.