Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I once posed nude for a magazine... but the clerk still asked if I'd be paying with cash or credit.

   When you look forward to coming home so you can have drink and NOT because of who is there... it's a big problem!

   You know those neighbors who spy on you and then blab to everyone else? My neighbors have one of those.

   You'll never regret having a safety deposit box stuffed full of fake passports and sixty million dollars.

   Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?

   I went snorkeling so I could brag to my friends, but I'm having problems photoshopping the bathtub out of the pictures.

   Whenever I put on sweatpants I sing "eye of the tiger" so that everyone will know why.

   You're not “alternative” by choice; you were rejected by the mainstream.

   have to go pick up dino and take him to the casino in reno to pick up nino the bambino gambino and then take care of that phillipeno who spit in the Don's cappaccino

   Smoking does not actually kill you. There are plenty of old people in Europe.

   All girls with cats are bitter and crazy, and all straight men with cats are secretly gay.

   whatever does not kill me, only make's me stranger.

   likes it when he open a document on the comp and the monitor says WORD. And I'm like, YOOO!!

   Facebook Status - The new way to talk behind people's backs.

   I'd fake blindness to touch you inappropriately. ;)

   beauty is in the eye of the BEER holder.

   I get ENOUGH exercise pushing my luck! ;)

   if you don't like your job, you don't strike...you just go in everyday and do it half-assed...THAT'S THE AMERICAN WAY!!

   Look at the keyboard ... you and I are together - look underneath, it says JK. LMFAO

   just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't understand.