Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mr. Officer, I am not drunk. You are just witnessing sobriety that hasn't returned yet.

   Single...but you're welcome to change that ;D

   The best thing in this status is when you realized that it mean nothing and it's too late to stop reading...

   When i'm good, i'm good. When i'm BAD, i'm the best!!!

   Bosses are like diapers, always full of s****t and usually on your a$$ (^-^)

   if you really were my friend, you would write a little note, but since you never do, I assume you never won't

   If I was rich, I'd do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.

   I start drinking earlier and earlier everyday... I had to set my alarm this morning.

   I don't eat nuts at the bar. But I like to run my fingers through them and lick the salt off.

   bankruptcy spelled with one "oh sh*t" or two?

   going steal your CAPS lock & shift key if you don't stope YELLING...or unfriend you

   If us guys show support for Breast Cancer Awareness... How are the girls gonna should show support for the our Testicular Cancer Awareness month!

   wish my boobs wouldn't slap my face while I run.

   I hate being bipolar... It's awsome!

   was riding the escalator the other day, and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half..

   needs a warm fireplace for my morningwood.

   If you all know where you keep it, why are we always looking for the damn thing..

   if you don't quit your crying and complaining in your status updates, I'll give you something to really cry and complain about! Like posting that photo of you I lied about deleting for example.

   some people are as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker!

   I must have catnip in my pants tonight because all the pussie is trying to get in them.