Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never recycle a past relationship. Because if it didn't work out before, what makes you think it would this time?

   someone asked me what CRS was...I couldn't remember

   How is taking a chainsaw to a Nissan a quality test? Perhaps the commercial is trying demonstrate rescue tools for emergency personnel to use after an accident.

   Based on my current rate of income, I estimate that I will be able to retire and live comfortably in about 180 years.

   the best part of baking is licking the bowl.

   Why is it when my friends find out I'm going drinking they always say “drink one for me” NO I'm not gonna drink one for you. If you really one a beer that bad, pay me for it or come with me.

   Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into own hands.

   Someone once said to me "You use to be normal.." I looked behind me and said "Who the hell are you talking to?"

   If you water your lawn and wash your car in the rain, smiling and waving as you do it, your neighbors will leave you alone.

   I feel like X and Z are the cool letters sitting in the back of the alphabet, only showing up in words they like.

   I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.

   Don't forget, every hand you shake has recently wiped an ass.

   The Wonderbra has truth in advertising. She takes it off, I wonder where the boobs went.

   I think I could start a pretty successful company that makes nothing but excuses.

   Never do anything for money. Unless it's a lot of money. Then do anything.

   If I were president the first thing I'd do is put Kansas City in Kansas.

   Everybody has a box somewhere with some weird sh*t in it.

   I hate auto flush sh*tters. All that work without being able to see the result just seems like a waste.

   Why burp when you can fart? You're cheating your ass out of a good time.

   I'm dving behind someone who is obviously scared of his gas pedal.