Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I liked anything as much as I hate you right now.

   Based on my life circumstances, I better be a rockstar in my next life.

   I don't know about you but I always go a couple pieces deep when I grab a couple slices of bread from the loaf.

   Oprah needs to buy everyone hot-tubs!

   How can anyone have 99 problems? I have about 3, maybe 4 max.

   I can't wait to hear all of my favorite songs used in sh*tty commercials when I'm older!

   sometimes when I'm alone I Google myself.

   What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.

   God's last name is not Dammit

   On a Highway To Hell.

   Over worked and under f**ked..

   .as the Pope visits us here in the U.K.,i ask myself "If Catholics say God looks down on homosexuality,what does He do when your Priests are messing with little boys? Whistle and turn the other way?"

   says "Dyslexics are teople poo"

   I've changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.

   I never use parking meters. The "time expired" sign gives me the creeps.

   I'm a fruit loop in a world of cheerios.

   world oldest attractive women celebrates birthday at 43

   My local newspaper is now publishing online. I'm potty training my puppy and he's already ruined three computers.

   The cool little wooshy thing the cards do at the end always makes the hours I spend trying to win Solitare on the computer well worth it.

   The cops came to my house because I was using the slip and slide and fined me..Officer said "sir you can use the slip and slide but can you please put a bathing suit on"