Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey Monday!! /take That!!! ┌П┐(◕‿◕) ┌П┐

   I like the facebook wall. It's urine free...

   You're the girl. I'm the boy. You text me first or we don't talk today.”

   I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.

   melts in your mouth, not in your hand. Well, I guess I COULD melt in your mouth but it'll cost extra.

   Sometimes I wonder... are Skittles really the color of the rainbow before you open the bag to sunlight?

   I'm not sexist, I'm sexiest, and if I am sexist, then I'm the sexiest sexist.

   His next day off the kids get to pick where we get to go.... Please pick the liquor store... Please pick the liquor store.

   Dressing up for Halloween as a Kardashian. I'll be turning tricks for treats.

   Got a problem with me? Solve it. Think I'm trippin'? Tie my shoe. Can't stand me? Sit down. Can't face me? Turn around and start walking!

   and 17 other friends removed you from their friend list on Facebook.

   What's the difference between complete and finished? When you have a beautiful girlfriend your life is complete, your wife finds out about it you're finished.

   When somebody flips you off, just stick up your whole hand and say, meet the family.

   ARE you AS BORED AS I AM? Read these words backwards and it still makes sense.

   If you had sex for 365 days, kept all the condoms and made a tire out of it, what would you call it? A F*CKING GOODYEAR!

   If you are late to special ed is it proper for the teacher to say that you are tardy?

   Real eyes realize real lies.

   wonders why people fart and waste, when you can burp and taste....

   I'm determined to conquer every obstacle, and make impossible possible. Even when winning is illogical, losing is still far from optional.

   I am a really nice guy. You know why? Because a woman stays in my mind, lives in my heart, and I've never asked her for the rent.