Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today needs an eject button.

   Michelle Obama has been picked as the world's most powerful woman by Forbes. Coming in a close second place:............. Justin Bieber.

   On Columbus Day, we celebrate the discovery of places that have already been happily occupied for years.

   You will never understand people, just understand that.

   Those who complain the most accomplish the least.

   I didn't go see the Social Network because I was worried I'd run into people from high school that I don't remember or didn't like.

   Having it all together is not my style.

   I don't think Oprah has driven herself anywhere in the last 25 years. Her don't text and drive advice is like her giving marriage or parenting tips.

   I'm about as motivated as a Denny's employee.

   Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.

   I just saw a van that had two signs on it. One said "We Speak English" and the other one said "We Delivery".

   Never kick a fresh terd on a hot day!

   thank you facebook for remembering so many birthdays.

   When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. ....Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

   Old people tell the best stories.....

   I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'................. You probably saw our posters.

   Over/Under - Brett Farve: 70 sexting messages to NY woman while in town.

   I'd rather pump a soap dispenser a thousand times to get a trace amount of soap than spend the same amount of time refilling it.

   Hey New York....Hide your lady's, Brett Farve is in town and he brought his iphone.

   Facebook: making people think we really know their birth date