Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

   sliced bread, best invention since icecream on a stick...

   If whiskey makes you frisky and gin makes you grin, what makes you pregnant? (Two highballs and a Squirt)

   Just some helpful advice.. If someone shows up at your job with a camera crew and says they are doing a documentary about your job... you're probably on an episode of Undercover Boss..

   "Characters did not match verification code. Please try again." Of course it didn't. You gave me 3 squiggle things, a backwards P and an upside down 4.

   "Characters did not match verification code. Please try again." Of course it didn't. You gave me 3 squiggle things and an upside down 4.

   choo choo...Lindsay Lohan...WHAT A TRAIN WRECK!

   She is so slutty, her facebook wall has a glory hole!

   ______________is so gay, he is trying to drill a glory hole in his facebook wall.

   you know my name not my story.

   If I have to buy you a present when you get married, then you have to buy me a present when you get divorced. It's only fair.

   I don't know why people say something is better if you work for it. Personally, I love being handed awesome sh*t through no effort of my own.

   Dont kill yourself to LIVE!!!

   I rarely get distracted, but the other . . . .brb.

   Add My BB Pin » Y3hR1ght

   Every 7-eleven needs a task force NOT named Punjab, Aadarsh, Aachman, Aadesh ,Aadi ,Aadidev ,Aafreen ,Aaka ,Aandaleeb to keep the slurpee machine running because this sh*t is UNACCEPTABLE.

   Blind hookers...ya gotta hand it to em!

   I don't know why people say something is better if you work for it. Personally, I love being handed awesome sh*t through no effort of my own.

   I really wish sleep came in roll-over minutes.

   having one of those days where I wanna set someones face on fire and try putting it out wit a fork