Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can't get on your feet until you get off your ass.

   some people are so stupid, if their brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M

   noticed that ever since Susan Boyle confessed her virginity to the world, the Taliban and Al Qaeda have cut back on suicide bombing, knowing now what lies ahead for them.

   with the way kids are so HYPER these days, I probably wouldn't have enough patience to be a Kindergarten Teacher...we'd have to play games like DUCT, DUCT, TAPE!

   meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice but falling in love with you I had no control over

   heard that Thailand has the highest rate of prostitution in the world, but again what dyu expect from a country whose name is "THAI-land", with a capital city named "BANG-KOK" and a tourist destination called "PHUK-ET"!!!

   wants to play basketball with the president and dunk on his delegates.

   Why are some parents hypocritical..."don't lie to me or I'll tell SAnta on you"

   If brains were money you'd have to take out a loan to buy a cup of coffee

   if I felt anymore like crap, I'm sure I'd be sitting in a toilet getting ready to be flushed away.

   what do a shingle and a fat girl have in common?.......98% chance will be nailed by a mexican.

   Beware of those people who never post any statuses!...Come on now, we all know you're not JUST on fb to play the games, after all that's what a good ole game of solitaire is for.

   a wise monkey never monkeys with another monkeys monkey

   Everything I ever needed to know I learned by killing smart people and eating their brains.

   You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you.

   "I see!" says the blind man, as he pisses in the fan, "It all comes back to me now..."

   Fat Girls are good for two things. Heat in the winter and shade in the summer

   Mmm... caffeine pills. The midnight snack of champions

   If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me instead."

   There is nothing friendlier than a wet dog.