Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it?... Next week.

   A penny saved is no longer a penny earned. It is a government oversight!!!

   Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

   Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

   BREAKING NEWS: Suresh Kalmadi (India CWG Head) just tried to hang himself ...But the ceiling collapsed... ;)

   Got my Halloween costume- Snookie! I will wear clothes 5 sizes too small, paint my body umpa loompa orange, walk around half naked, drunk and obnoxious.

   "Obamacare, you may as well have Michael Jackson's personal physician tuck you in at night" ~ Dennis Miller

   says...behind every successful women...thr are a couple of satisfied men... :pp

   heard they are now powering street lamps with dog dung in Cambridge, Mass. If this is true, we should be able to plug the entire country's power grid into Capitol Hill and save a FORTUNE!

   BBC NEWS: Five year investigation ends. Vatican accused of laundering money. What is this world coming to? Next thing you know, you will be telling me they molest little boys too! *

   Q: What does an elephant use for tampons? A: Sheep

   I just returned a Rug Dr to Lowes. When asked if it worked ok I responded, "Yep got up all the blood and evidence as promised. I would recommend it to anyone"!

   the Vatican is accused of laundering money?!? Next thing you know, you will be telling me they molest little boys too!

   Life lesson # 1,987- the Time I filled out an app for a job at the day care, and under "related skills" I put - Teaching kids how to make stick ppl out of tampons".. Ya, Mngmnt dont like that!!!! - just saying!!

   I got fired from my job as a software engineer. I just couldn't get with the program.

   To this random person talking to me here in line at wal mart while I'm typing on my phone.. itd funny how you think I'm listening!

   Just witnessed a man purchasing Tampax at Walgreens. This man deserves bonus points!!

   We can put a man on the moon. Create a device the cooks food in minutes if not seconds. We have GPS and smart phones. But we can't even cure the common cold??

   You should never use cowboy builders but after what is going on at the Commonwealth Games in Delhi you should steer well clear of Indian ones too :)

   I've decided that I will be a team player when I get paid like a pro athlete.