Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Funny Headline: "Red Tape Holds Up Bridges"

   # # When it comes to poker...a good deal depends on a good deal.

   SPIRITUAL PEOPLE ENLIGHTEN ME, RELIGIOUS PEOPLE FRIGHTEN ME

   hey it`s Friday , lets get pissed !

   Rock is dead; LONG LIVE PAPER!

   The only thing that keeps me from losing my mind is........ Hold up... I'll get back to you on that...

   Old enough to know better. Young enough not to care!

   I think the kid's gotten too big and fat for the show to be able to call itself "Two and a Half Men" anymore.

   I'd love to have sat in the marketing analysis meetings that gave us our early cartoons. "You know what America would love? A batsh*t crazy woodpecker, that's what! And a pig, a stuttering f*cking pig!"

   I think a great name for an energy drink would be "F5." The tagline could be, "Hit the F5 to refresh!" Bask in the warmth of my genius.

   I think the part of the whole sexting craze that gives me the greatest sense of outrage is the part where I'm not involved in it at all.

   Back in the day, pirates used to raid armed ships, fight off trained swordsman for their gold, and survive on deserted islands with no other means of support. Now they sit in a chair and download movies. How far they have fallen?

   I sure am glad they give me a lead vest when they're giving me x-rays at the dentist. It gives the impression those rays must be dangerous. I'd hate to have something bad happen to my chest while I'm having dangerous x-rays shot into my head.

   How do I know that Facebook is a woman? Well a man would never ask "Whats on your mind?" Would he?

   I did not fall! The floor looked sad, so I gave it a hug!!

   Save water... shower with me!

   I wish I had a theme song whenever I did something awesome.

   Little known fact of the day: Did you know that the little dot above the "i" and "j" is called a tittle

   If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road.

   Has anyone else noticed that mirrors look really sexy?