Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When nudists put on a play, do they argue about who has the biggest part?

   whenever I start to get tired of being single... I go sleep on the couch to remember what being in a relationship is like.

   ‎3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier's face: Priceless!

   I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help. .... So I hired a hitman

   My Idea for a church bulletin. "Stop, drop, and roll won't work in hell ."

   Hows about you give me your number while I'm still interested.

   Lets play post office... You lick and I'll deliver.

   What did Curt Cobain say to Courtney Love before he died?... Holes gonna be big!

   Did you know..... your middle toe is a radar detector for chair legs??!

   what does a shingle and a fat chick have in common? They both get nailed by mexicans..

   My three unwritten rules : 1. 2. 3.

   sleeps well with others

   an expert on woman and knows all there is to know about them because he got the best one to marry him :)

   thinks she needs a better drummer...

   I find the upper arm bone humerus

   And just when I saw you ... I realized I had no more money left

   Please put this on your status if you know, or are related to, someone killed on the Death Star. People must understand that the Rebel Alliance is a band of murdering scum. The Empire wants only to bring peace to the galaxy but these rebels continue to ki

   If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur.

   It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.

   So many freaks... so few circuses.