Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I ran out of Tupperware one day, so I took my cottage cheese to work tied up in a condom. I'm not allowed to use the employee refrigerator anymore.

   In Dog Beers, I only plan on having 1 tonight

   so 21st rescued miner says to mistress "I'm taking you to bed for a few days" - come to think of it he is experienced being in deep dark holes for long periods of time.

   playing hide and seek with Chilean pitworkers. Damn.., they are good at this game

   Screw this weather! I'm moving to Petticoat Junction where the sun is always shining and beautiful women skinny dip in the local water tower. I'll be staying the The Shady Rest.

   someone says "brb shower" and BAM you imagine them naked!!!

   We can sense paranoia and we are coming for you.

   born in a system That doesn't give a f**k about you nor me nor the lies

   One of the guys who works for me down south called in sick early this morning. He sounded like death! I ask, “How sick are you?” and he said, “I just got done doing my sister, is that sick enough for you?”

   Don't be upset if people preferred another one to you..... its hard to convince monkey that strawberries are sweeter than bananas..

   If everyday is a gift then today's gift is a box of straws cuz it sucks.

   The Russian Military is saving money by using inflatable tanks as decoys. You cant tell them apart from the real thing....apart from the sign saying 'No Shoes'..

   relieved. He hasn't seen this many miners rescued since they closed down Neverland.

   When I was younger I always felt like I was a boy trapped in a woman's body. However, that changed when I was born.

   Would like to copyright a Dark chestnut ribbon now! Not sure for what good cause yet but have to get in early we are running out of colors!

   Thanks facebook, I'm really getting the hang of stalking now!

   Why do people lie when getting a gift by saying "Oh You didn't have to do that" HELLO! Thats the only reason they where invited!

   Omg! I just hit a woman on my bike. Just kidding.. I don't ride in the kitchen!

   Sometimes I see a cute kid and think "someday I might want one of those". But then I realize that I say the same thing about monkeys and rocketships and the feeling goes away.

   your pickup line just made me decide to change teams