Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church.

   battery operated boyfriend is the best man I ever known! does what I tell him and hums while he does it

   not a performance , and is not here for personal entertainment or enlightenment !

   Money can only buy imitation happiness. I would be happy with that.

   you know you're getting OLD when your BRAND NEW car you drove in high school now qualifies for an ANTIQUE car tag.

   never thought he'd be staring at boobs on sesame street….sweet.

   I vote for a 3 day weekend and a 4 day work week.

   You stop telling lies about me, and I'll stop telling the truth about you...

   had the urge to clean today untill I turned on NFL REDZONE. The urge soon passed, I did clean my plate off at lunch time......does that count?????

   There is an official UN appointee for First Contact should aliens arrive. I can't believe I didn't get that job.

   I throw my Skittles in the air sometimes sayin aaayooo, taste the rainbow!!!

   can we pretend that helicopter in are night sky is not following me, I really wish I hadn't bought that weed, bought of weed...

   Facebook: A place where you discover that people you once respected can't even spell.

   After all these episodes of "I survived" & "I shouldnt be alive"... why doesnt anyone keep any damn snacks in their pockets!

   All the landmarks and millions of beautiful places on Google Earth, and the first thing everyone looks at is their own house.

   Dear Mark Zuckerberg: Weren't you doing just fine without the irritating banner ads?

   I was walking down the street when this man hammering on his roof called me a paranoid little freak... in Morse code. I'm pretty sure that is what he was hammering. Another neighbor smiled and waved to me in a ploy to throw me off about the hammer signals

   Ever wonder what your face is doing when you aren't paying attention?

   There are 2 versions of being broke... A guy version and a girl version. Girl version: They can still get their hair and nails done. Guy version: We will be looking like a gorilla and eating from the dollar menu until next pay period.

   Don't say "Can I be honest with you?" an hour into the conversation. It leads me to believe you've been lying up until now.