Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Came home & my girlfriend had on my favorite thong. Needless to say I dumped her. No one wears my clothes and gets away with it

   Gotta get my ORAL workout: If two witches were watching two watches....then which witch would watch which watch?

   Thank God pistachios have those shells to slow me down because the only thing stopping me from eating twelve pounds of them is that there aren't enough hours in the day.

   Shoppingcarts....teaching women to walk upright since 1869

   "Porn Actor Kills Colleague With Prop Weapon." It was apparently not a banana in his pocket, nor was he happy to see him.

   Every time I see Renee Zellweger on screen I want to hand her an antihistamine.

   I just invented a new candy called Mike and Ike and Tina. When you eat 'em, your front teeth fall out

   I never judge a book by it's cover, but I do read the Cliff Notes on some of these Hoes

   I don't think you understand how far up the f**k you need to shut it.

   What I just did in that bathroom was so tragic that when I walked out, a Native American turned his head as a tear rolled down his cheek.

   dear biology, can I get an extended warranty on my penis?

   **chokehold, spin, slam to the floor** Hello Wednesday!!

   At night, every car that drives behind me automatically becomes a cop car.

   - - Stephen Hawking may be a genius, but he is not setting much of an example to kids by just sitting at his computer all day.

   - If round pegs fit in round holes, and square pegs fit in square holes, why isnt my c*ck shaped like an axe?

   Thought it was true love, but you know women lie.

   The "Like" button is the new red AIDS ribbon. It allows people to feel like they're being supportive without having to actually do anything.

   I didn't realize Toyota was so LGBT friendly, but apparently the Tundra comes with an aluminum tranny.

   In the wake of the tornado, Fox News is whipping up a frenzy over the plans of some munchkins to build a community center in Williamsburg.

   .If you ever start to feel good about humanity, just spend five minutes in a Trader Joe's parking lot.