Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. ;)

   I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

   The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

   Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

   A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.

   apprantly I told my dog to go to his room until he was ready to talk, thats how drunk I was.

   Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

   Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

   The future isn't what it used to be...

   Don't you hate that when it rains people who has an umbrella keep walking underneath the awnings, and let people who doesn't have one get wet? Ugh! I just want to grab the umbrella and put a hole in it!!

   I try to misbehave appropriately.

   if your'e on top of the world, it tuns around every 24 hours.

   You know your relationship is in trouble when she loads her vibrator with batteries from the TV remote, alarm clock and your pacemaker.

   a cop owning a doughnut shop, it makes perfect sense, cut out the middle man...

   I hope whilst they are recalling all these BMW's for faulty brakes, they fix their indicators cause I havnt found a BMW working indicator when i'm on the road B***std's

   I know how the saying goes....no pain, no gain. But my philosophy is no pain, no pain!

   wake me up when September ends.

   I'm not fat, I'm kidnap proof

   To whom it may concern, The inventor of thirsty Thursday obviously never had to work on friday...

   Hi, I'm chucky! wanna play?"