Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I had a nickel for everytime someone asked if I was bad at math, I'd have 62 cents.

   You sacrifice. You fight injustice. You think you're making a difference. Then you find out Snooki has a book deal.

   wishes she had a theme song whenever she did something awesome.

   ‎"Username or Password Incorrect" Couldn't you just tell me which one?

   THEY'RE going THERE with THEIR friends…it's not rocket science.

   will never understand rich people with messed up teeth.

   has been texting so much today that now I move my thumbs from side to side when I'm actually talking to someone.

   does not like taking surveys. Do you A) Agree B) Somewhat Agree C) Not Agree

   Do what you love, and the money will follow, unless what you love is Facebook.

   does not call it lying down...I call it landscape mode.

   If I had money to blow, I would hire two private investigators to follow each other.

   Step 1: Go to Google. Step 2: Type “who's the cutest”. Step 3: Hit I'm Feeling Lucky. Step 4: Enjoy.

   had a dream that this woman was trying to kill me with a butcher knife...which makes me think the woman of my dreams is not someone I should be looking for.

   If your dog is the only one excited when you walk in the door from work even though you make 6 figures.......... you have failed conclusively!!!!!

   I don't wear a watch because I decide what time it is.

   ‎654 women were admitted into the hospital, and 542 died with a heart attack! Now tell me who in the hell spreaded the rumor that I'm getting married? x(

   I threatened a man with a knife today. It was a bit silly really, he could have stabbed me.

   whips her hair back and forth.

   Can someone explain cheese to me? Who smelled vomit and feet and asked "can I get that on a cracker?"

   looking for a large, orange orb that gives off light, warmth and occasional melanoma. Last seen 7 days ago. Goes by the nickname "sunny." Call 1-800-FREEZING if found.