Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I threatened a man with a knife today. It was a bit silly really, he could have stabbed me.

   whips her hair back and forth.

   Can someone explain cheese to me? Who smelled vomit and feet and asked "can I get that on a cracker?"

   looking for a large, orange orb that gives off light, warmth and occasional melanoma. Last seen 7 days ago. Goes by the nickname "sunny." Call 1-800-FREEZING if found.

   having a bad day. There's a tampon behind my ear and I can't find my pencil.

   I thought I was going crazy. So I went to a therapist. After half an hour, he paid me to leave. I heard that he is now seeing a therapist.

   Always believe a woman when she says, "You don't want to know!"

   I tried to get over myself, but I'm just too awesome!

   Life is like a box of chocolates... you never know when you'll find a nut.

   I really need to find a girlfriend. Guy at poker table was like “This is my girlfriend, Kayla,” and I was like, “This is my sandwich, Ham.”

   with or without you, I'm still going...

   How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.

   man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under hes arm, hes says a pint for me and one for the road,,,

   Q: What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair? A: Artifical Intelligence

   I'm the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I'm asleep.

   If you're gonna flip out on your Facebook, don't delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.

   congratulates singer Celine Dion and her grandfather on the birth of their twin boys.

   Just imagine if we all actually became what we said we wanted to be when we grew up... The World would be full of Ninjas, Princess, Mermaids and Dragon Slayers....

   Just Got Dumped Because Her Boyfirend Said He Couldnt Put Up With Her Filthy Habbits, I nearly choked on my toe nail

   God created man before woman... but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.