Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You complete me. Which makes me a complete idiot.

   If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.

   Rule #1 of the Internet: Nothing you put online, even for a second, can ever be taken down.

   I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.

   Has anyone else noticed that mirrors look really sexy? Or is it just her?

   I realllllly want to pet a whale right now

   I Think Someone From Eastenders Should Go And Kill Someone From Coronation Street.....What A Plot

   George Washington is the only president who didn't blame the previous administration for his troubles

   Computer Geek's Pickup Line: Is your name Google? No. Why? Because you have everything I've been searching for!

   Boys have to put forth real effort to get laid, while all girls have to do is stand bra-less in the wind."

   ..Liverpool f.c. built by Shanks, played by planks, watched by cranks, and ruined by Yanks....... thanks..

   wishes Beiber's job would be exported to India.

   I like it when my girl plays the hard to get game with me, and ends up letting me have my way

   Just treated myself to a couple of chocolate fingers ..... That's the LAST time I buy cheap toilet paper.

   How does that old saying go.. Nice guys finish, In their hand?

   No! You cant have my Heart,the Doctor said i'll be dead without it.

   didn't wake up to meet your expectations, He/her woke up to go to the bathroom.

   Theres no feeling as disgusting as the feeling you get the moment you realize that your finger just went through the toilet paper...

   Sometimes I just gotta take a ride on the Dude Train

   Sometimes I keep my car windows down just to allow other drivers the opportunity to see such a handsome man.