Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please talk to my face, my breasts can't hear you.

   Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children.

   If you can afford alcohol and cigarettes then you don't need food-stamps

   thinking about Autotuning our building's tornado warning announcement lady

   I can charm any mother....it's getting the daughter that is the tricky part....

   The temptations of Facebook are like a boomerang. You throw it as far as you can, but it comes right back to you.

   thinking i'm going to hand out pretzels and bruised apples for Halloween this year

   Why does my phone insist on reminding me my battery is dying, wasting even more of my battery!

   love can conquer anything, no matter how bad it gets it can always be forgiven by agreeing to put it behind you and getting on with being happy together.

   Give a person an inch, they take a round trip flight across the country AND bill you for it.

   Count to ten before the lightning strikes, if days are dark find something that's bright. Different colors paint a picture of our lives, just close your eyes!

   The Touch, the Feel of Lindsay Lohan; the crackhead of our lives

   My boss questioned my enthusiasm today. I can't believe he woke me up just to tell me that.

   HOW DOES A PERSON WITH EPILEPSY INTERPRET "CARPE DIEM"?

   ...little boy writes to Santa: please send me a sister. Santa writes to little boy: ok, send me your mother.

   Only 9,000 more lies until Election Day.

   I don't get mad, don't throw temper tantrums and I don't hold grudges..I am a very mature girl....but YOU are not allowed in my treehouse anymore!!!

   A handful of Nigerian scam artists are wrecking it for all the honest Nigerians who want to wire money to us.

   The next time someone annoys you so much you just wanna slap them… Do it and say, “Mosquito” and quickly walk away.

   ...the monkey's out of the bottle, man.