Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An "open relationship" is when both people are cheating on each other and want everyone else to know.

   Based on the way it's being used "LOL" must stand for "OK"

   I bet those Chilean miners going to be pissed when they have to go back to work at 5 in the morning tomorrow.

   Fastest way to piss me off? Tell me to "settle down."

   I think It's funny that my mom has figured out how to tag me in pics he upload to Facebook but the clock on his VCR has been wrong since 1987.

   Think you've had a bad day ! ! ! One of the chilean miners has just been told he forgot to clock on.

   Would you tap that???..I wouldnt even poke it on facebook!!!!

   "just wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done. "

   Sometimes you feel like a million bucks..sometimes you feel like a foodstamp.

   packing his bags...going on a guilt trip!

   thinks that when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

   thinks that there is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

   If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

   Schizophrenia - together I can beat it.

   She says she doesn't have to change her relationship status on Facebook to show her love? It's because she's still banging her ex.

   Dear Chile --- When you're done rescuing everybody, can we send you Ryan Seacrest, Britney, Lindsay, Paris and Snooki?

   If you're playing checkers on a boat with a monkey, how many ducks does it take to change the oil in a fish tank?

   At a recent job interview: What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths? Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.And your strengths? I'm Batman.

   Well today was a total waste of makeup.

   never knew they mined for chili. You learn something new every day.