Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm the one who screwed you all, but thanks for blaming the black guy.. George. Bush

   A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

   She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found 'mute' by now.

   Just had a fight with my toaster it wouldn't let go of my Eggo..R.I.P dear toaster you should have let go of the fricken Eggo

   I'm going to recreate the human centipede in my basement. I'm just going to use a bunch of scotch tape though.

   You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate!

   ...Nothing says "this wont last"...quite like an engagement ring from Wal-Mart!

   A$$ WHOOPING: Used by parents to discipline insolent children, performed by hitting the child's buttocks or other areas of the body forcefully several times. Usually performed with a hand or other object such as a belt, spatula, or nine-iron golf club!!!!

   DRUNK DIAL: The lame assumption that when you drink heavily that people want to talk to your emotional ass at 4am!

   A boyfriend is someone who, after taking out the trash, gives an impression he just cleaned the entire house.

   Pandora just played songs from Footloose, Rocky and Top Gun. I am so ready to dance through a warehouse, chase a plane with a motorcycle, and fight a Russian now.

   ‎[Status Blocked! Due to content only Legends can see what is written]

   no really!! If I ask you how old your child is, and you say something stupid like 87 weeks. then we're fighting!

   In a perfect world.. Watching porn would actually update your computer.

   thinks marriage should be a 4 year contract with an option to renew.

   Thanks for tagging me in that picture, but I don't think anyone needs to know that the half of one white tennis shoe in the corner belongs to me.

   After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.

   it takes me five minutes to get dressed and fifty-five minutes looking for my other shoe....

   Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the begining all you need is a diamond and a heart, by the end you wish you had a F'n club and a spade

   my daughter saw a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!" I took a deep breath, then asked "What did you call it?" "It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does, "A f r I c a n Elephant"