Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinking of spending the cab money on more shots and just taking the ambulance home

   Word to the wise... Sending an engagement request to your girlfriends facebook is not a good way to propose

   Confucius says: Crowded elevator smell different to midget

   thinks The McRib is made of the same fat they injected in Lisa Rinna's lips.

   Whats the purpose of a camouflage Snuggie? Do you plan on going to war with your AK-47 and your trusty snuggie? Look it has sleeves so you can shoot your self!!

   You couldn't get laid in a womens prison with a handful of pardons!

   Sorry homework - - TV wins again! It is just too temping :)

   best job in the world .... a pillow ,get to lay in bed all day and get head every night

   Im hiring a midget for a party. Any idea what they eat?

   Only in America would they name a State after a bucket of fried chicken.

   knows you partied too hard the night before when you're eating cereal naked the next day and your girlfriend says: "Put your clothes on". Just then you realize that was not your girlfriend - it's some woman walking her dog.

   thinks the only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo, is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.

   finds himself dating high maintenance women. I'm not sure why - I think because I hate money. Its as though I check out my checking account, and I say: Oh, that's just too much. I need to make an investment that's going nowhere, fast!

   wondering when SkyNet is finally going online? I've been preparing for that moment since 1985.

   : Microwave broke - time to break out the Easy Bake Oven.

   ‎[citation needed]

   great advice for those seeking to get out of a terrible relationship and tried almost everything: start peeing the bed. But make sure its theirs.

   told its Erection Day today. I'm wasn't sure if I ever celebrated that holiday in the past, but a waiter at Hong Kong Buffet insisted it was and I better get out and vote.

   Every year Santa runs over Grandma with his Reindeer. I wonder if I give him extra cookies if he would aim for my ex wife this year instead?

   Whats the purpose of a camouflage Snuggie? Do you plan on eating popcorn while watching TV in the deep woods anytime soon?