Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't intoxicated and delusional. I get drunk and confident.

   hates having to delete facebook "friends" that I like, even though they don't give a crap about me. I wish there was a facebook jail to put them in for 30 days.

   The McRib is like the IRS...Both come around once a year, and when they do everybody cringes!!!

   enought with your mama jokes already. Time for a daddy joke...Your daddy so ugly....he had to resort to doing it with your mama!

   I heard that a guy fell out fo the 13th story window of a building and he died! Spooky...

   She takes a backseat to no one. But will get in the back seat with anyone.

   So, your kid made the the Dean's List huh? Well I say his real parents would be proud because you're both morons so he clearly must be adopted.

   Yes I realize I wore this shirt last time you saw me. I don't own 365 t-shirts, so the odds of this happening again are roughly 1 in 10.

   gone to search for One Eyed Willie's rich stuff.

   if at first you don't succeed, maybe you just suck!!!

   did you just say something?Or did your brain fart!

   Female drivers: The reason people look both ways when crossing a one way street.

   My friend says my jokes don't make any sense and the punchlines are too obscure. Which is quite funny really when you consider his uncle used to grow his own onions.

   Ok, slow down people. We're starting to evolve in the wrong direction.

   Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it." Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"

   What's the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

   My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

   Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

   A friend in need is a pest indeed.

   I Can't find my phone! Could you call it? Oh wait, it was only in my pocket.. haha got you're Number!"