Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I live every day of my life as if it's my last. Basically I just leap in slow motion away from things which aren't exploding... Repeatedly.

   ‎"Kate Middleton will be the first commoner to marry an heir to the throne in 350 years"........ So now we all know how often royalty can go without adding any beauty genes into their pool!

   I don't care what the law say, if you poke me and you're not my friend, it's rape.

   a lady insisted to sit near the window on the train to take a nap. She said she needed her beauty sleep. I told her sorry but the train isn't going that far

   I was at Mcdonalds today when a rather large woman served me , when she finally gave me my order she said "sorry about the wait" and I said "Don't worry sweetheart , you'll lose it eventually"

   I always knows the right thing to say, immediately after the right time to say it has passed.

   whats BROWN and Rhymes with Snoop???? Dr. Dre

   I just want to be held.....against my will.....by a tribe of sex crazed amazon women.

   TURKEY - Coming soon to a table near you.

   Oh, crap! This isn't where I parked my car!

   they say good things come to those who wait, so I'm gonna be about an hour late

   Great!!! my parents just told me I was made in China...???

   I can think of atleast 3 different ways to spend 78 million dollars more effectively.

   It just dawned on me that I am STILL not over the fact that Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper didn't end up together on The Wonder Years.

   If you're OCD and you know it wash your hands....

   Thinks it's good to see some of the women at work growing a movember too.

   IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT just in from Apple! Now not only including the Beatles music addition to the Itunes Store. They have also announced the addition of "The Greatest Polka Hits of "Lawrence Welk"!! Hurry over there now and get your digital copy now!

   BBC Sport: "Liverpool want Fanni" - Don't we all.

   I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

   Apparently it's green week. In an effort to contribute, I just created a save electricity sign: "Don't you hate it when someone turns you on, and then just leaves?"