Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the phone rings and you want to screw with the caller, just answer saying, "Bob's Orphanage, you make' em we take' em!"

   Grammer is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.

   Whadda mean you don't have my reserved "World's Greatest Lover Don Juan Cassanova Halloween Outfit"???!!! ........ and NO... I don't want to be Tinkerbell ! :

   stuck between a rock and someone I want to hit with it.

   If you were on a deserted island and you could only bring one item, how come people never say "A boat"

   People who investigate strange noises in horror movies deserve to die.

   Trick or treat? I say why not be naughty and have both!

   I don't think I could ever stab someone. I can barely get the straw in the Capri Sun.

   Love how you keep me warm and make me feel safe. Never a scornfull word or negative comment. Always pick me up when I am feeling down. You smell good all the time and are steaming with pleasure.......Coffee, I think I love you........

   Men...it's not their fault. You can't give someone two heads and expect them to think straight.

   I wonder how people would react if I walked in Sea World with a fishing pole?!?

   It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

   How can someone go out to buy groceries and end up in a pub?

   Have you ever felt completely calm cool and collected? Yeah, me neither.

   Feels like tap dancing on someone's face with golf shoes on..

   In new tape, Bin Laden 'furious' that Brian Wilson has scarier beard.....

   Vegan hipsters wear ironic milk mustaches.

   "Paranormal Activity 2" - terrifying tale of suburban home that unexpectedly gets possessed by Bank of America.

   The Clitaurus is the most mysterious Jurassic-era creature to most male archaeologists.

   Today is National Oatmeal Day, or as Charlie Sheen calls it, National Cocaine and Strippers Day.