Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's something oddly satisfying about turning off my computer by holding down the power key. Who's in control now, b!tch?

   Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.

   I wonder if it's possible for someone to have a baby and NOT make it their Facebook profile picture.

   Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

   ■Cigarettes are like hamsters… perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.

   ■I've got a full 6 pack, but it lacks the plastic thingy to holds it all together.

   Some women are terribly hard to please… the rest are impossible!

   I'll take SPORTS SUPERSTARS for $1000 Alex. The answer: Allen Iverson and Randy Moss. *buzzes in* Who are 'people that no one wants on their team anymore?'

   when your feeling down remember you were that one sperm who won the race.

   You guys want further proof there is no God? Justin Beiber is starring in his own movie about himself. Called Justin Beiber Never say never... IN 3D!!!!!! wish I was lying...

   Why did the little girl blush when she opened the fridge?...She saw the salad dressing!!

   learned something today: when a homeless man is blocking an entire stairwell, vigorously fiddling with his crotch, it is in everyone's best interest that he simply be left alone.

   was born cool, but global warming made me hot!

   wondering why a whole damn airplane isn't made out of the same material as the undestroyable black box?

   not responsible for LMAO's that actually cause your ass to fall off. Or LOL's that cause you being arrested for laughing too loud. Or people that are "dying laughing." I am not responsible for funeral fees. With that being said, enjoy my wall.

   When can we expect Randy Moss to ask Randy Moss how Randy Moss feels about being waived?....

   Next stop... THANKSGIVING! Stand clear of the food and cold please!

   Prank idea: Pay a homeless man to run up to someone at an outdoor drinking fountain and yell "Get away from my bidet!"

   Jerry springer say's, "The difference between his guests and politicians are the number of their teeth."

   You can't choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.