Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know your mind is already on the weekend when someone at work tells you they're giving away shots, and you assume alcohol before flu.

   I woke up this morning and you were gone, then I thought... oh wait, it wasn't you.... never mind.

   all he's done in 2 yrs is take fancy trips and vacations on our dime!!

   Everybody poops, but not everyone washes their hands........ I'm just Saying.

   After the morning news...decided I didnt need to play R.E.M (It's the end of the world, as we know it ) every morning, like I have since November 2008.....Bahahahahaha

   was very excited until my wife informed me that is NOT why they call it Hump Day. Sure, honey. And I suppose that Cinco de Mayo has nothing to do with mayonnaise?

   - Little boy writes to Santa: Please send me a sister. Santa writes to little boy: Ok, send me your mother.

   - I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket"

   - If Adam and Eve would have been Chinese, they would have simply eaten the snake and left the apple alone!

   I eat the green crayon cuz the green one tastes the best!

   I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

   i just came back from a mile long walk in your shoes, and I still think youre a douchebag...

   I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case.

   would rather check her facebook than face her checkbook

   So I'm giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)

   Anyone who says laughter is the best medicine has never had morphine.

   "Hi, one ticket for 'The Social Network,' please."

   Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

   white man will never be jealous of the black man's "progress". Consider revising. It's all good in "da hood" Get over yourself.

   Accidentally grabbed my hair gel instead of my body wash when I went to the shower,,,,, should see my fluff, looks like a 70's porn star fluff!