Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ahhhhh.coffee...I think coffee must contain an ingredient that makes you tolerate BS. That's probably why employers usually give it away for free all day :)

   All right, let's solve this once and for all. It was ME who pushed Humpty Dumpty, I also took Little Bo Peeps sheep for ransom, I was the one who let the dogs out and stole the cookies from the cookie jar. So there!!

   now that the FB font is smaller, less of my friends will notice my witty status updates and posts.

   If you are drunk, and you get bitten by a mosquito. Since alcohol is in your blood, I wonder what that does to the mosquito...Things that make you go hmm...Be Breezy

   Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote..

   I go where I please...and I please where I go.

   I came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum...and I'm all out of gum

   I plan to open a pancake house in Japan called Japancakes.

   You know your ugly when you have more pictures of your family then yourself ' Haha

   next time my name is in your mouth I hope you choke on it ass =)

   realized that if no one can reach you.....you never have to waste time returning phone calls.

   If you want proof that one person can make a difference, punch a stranger in the face.

   If I ever get summoned for jury duty, I plan on appearing in the courtroom in a puff of smoke and yelling, "WHO SUMMONED ME?"

   Life is like a box of chocolates...I don't think so! Mine is more like a box of hand grenades...pull the wrong pin and everything goes flying!

   Whenever I get a message that begins with "Hey Stranger" I know I'm about to be asked for a favor by someone I don't want to help.

   I'm afraid people can see me through my web cam even though its off.

   I don't know if my liver or heart hurts more during a break up...

   I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."

   Maybe things would improve if we shipped Congress's jobs overseas too.

   Okay, so you Republicans taking office, we all expect a complete economic turnaround in less than two years. Got it?