Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

   Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy.

   You don't die from a broken heart - you only wish you did.

   There's a girl in my mirror crying tonight, and there's nothing I can say to make her feel alright.

   Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

   To all the people who think they don't need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?

   yo mamma so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid

   Always remember that famous rich people poop just like the rest of us.

   The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she's never around when I'm awake.

   "It sure is nice to not be out shopping." - sane people

   Just bought someone I don't really like something they don't really need. But I saved 10 bucks!!

   I don't understand some people. It's Black Friday. I just passed a black family at Costco. I shook the father's hand and wished them all a Happy Holiday. The father asked me what's wrong with me.

   . If I flip this coin, what do you think my chances are of getting head?

   I'm so good at cooking, that the smoke alarm is cheering me on!

   won't take no for an answer. Unless the answer he wants is no, then he will take no for an answer.

   thinks we need to stand by our North Korean Allies.

   loves when people just click the 'like' button on a thread of comments cause they're too lazy to add another comment

   Obama gets 12 stitches in his lip after basketball game. Impending war with North Korea but hey, let's shoot some hoops!!

   remembers the days when 'Black Friday' was referred to as 'Colored Friday'

   Figured It Out Black Friday is Like Child birth,U know Its gonna Be a LONG process,Ur Even excited about it the night B4 It Happens BUT as soon as it starts It Hurts Like Hell,U Wanna Kill Every1,pray that it ends soon & promises to never 2 do it again