Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Studying for these Harvard finals is pretty rough. I should have gone to Yale.

   I so wish my smoke alarm had a "STFU, I'm cleaning the oven setting".

   A women's work is never done.especially is she asksk her husband to do it

   Wife asks her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor!"

   ♪ ♫ ♬ Oh Christmas tree oh Christmas tree, you have more balls than me-ee. ♪ ♫ ♬

   Whenever I hand someone my camera to take a picture, they act like I'm asking them to pilot an alien spaceship. JUST PUSH THE DAMN BUTTON!

   I think I'm just gonna start hittin' on Facebook friends that I can't remember why were friends. This way I dont have to defriend them.

   Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, just in case.

   The quickest way to get someone's attention is to no longer want it.

   girlfriends don't cry.... thats just blackmail

   Even after creeping through all of your profile pictures, I still have no idea who you are or what you look like since there are 20 people in each of your photos.

   just made cranberry sauce vodka shots

   Between Black Friday and Cyber Monday, there is Sit on My Ass and Watch Football Sunday!

   Facebook is like jail you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know.

   I know a girl that's had so many guys that CSI refer to her as "DNA storage unit"...

   I had a really big hangover this morning. I sat on the edge of the bed naked.

   Being honest doesn't mean you tell your Grandmother her breath stinks.

   I read that the first vibrator was created to cure women who had hysteria....So I guess they created the first vacuum hose to cure men high blood pressure...

   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car....

   It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up...