Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do not drunk dial or text tonight. Note to self: come back and read this at 3am

   drink up! And happy birthday to somebody somewhere.

   THE ANSWER TO AGE OLD QUESTION OF HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE ROLL TOOTSIE POP IS...... 277. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE AFTER HALLOWEEN I HAVE HAD 637 OF THEM

   you'll always be my hero. even though you've lost your mind

   There once was a man named Hawking, who got bored of walking He got on a scooter, attached a computer, and now it does all of his talking

   without a doubt the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.

   Working with 4 women and married to another, I don't forsee being a polygamist anytime in my future

   I'm thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.

   Guess what? I've got a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell.

   Life is full of up's & down's, so UP the music & DOWN the Tequila

   money isn't the key to happiness? then where is the key? hidden in a stupid box somewhere, like in Pirates Of The Caribbean?

   Breaking News... President Obama travels to India to visit former American jobs...

   The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

   You hate me? I didn't even know you existed.

   I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."

   Dear complicated life decisions: be easier.

   Dear Week, I am leaving you for the Weekend. I would say it's not you, it's me, but let's face it, it was you. Sincerely, Me

   There's a fine line between looking tan and looking like you rolled in a bag of Doritos.

   my sub teacher in 11th grade was born without arms, he asked a girl "need a hand" & she laughed ..he should of slapped her!

   Don't tell other people your problems. 90% of people don't care, and the other 10% are glad you have them.