Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Christmas cheer has begun.... American Express commercials just announced if you use their card ...they'll donate ONE SHINY PENNY to charity...... is there any way to spend LESS,,,, nice JOB AMEX

   thinking of celebrating Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way ...... I'll invite everyone in my neighborhood over to my house, have an enormous feast, then kill them and take their land.

   Having lived and loved, I can tell you that life is the constant and love is the variable.

   How come everyone post their problems when 2:00am comes, but nobody post how horny they are.

   Im going to get a tattoo of my face on my back just so I could see who stabs me in the back..

   I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

   Who cares if my grandkids aren't gonna see a polar bear? I didn't see a dinosaur

   from the moment I saw u, I wanted 2b inside u, The way you smell, The way ur tongue feels, The way you tighten n loosen.....mmmm new shoes

   Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.

   if the Cowboys are "America's Team," we might as well just learn to like soccer.

   The best line which helps in saving money when going on dinner with ur wife : bol kya khayegi.... MOTI

   It rained today. I know this because I checked a few of the local outdoor web cams

   thinking of misbehaving with you tonight, wanna come?

   You want to know what chloroform smells like?

   I'm watching extreme makeover: home edition in an attempt to invoke an emotion response from my cold and numb soul.

   Dear God.. If that cat puke on the floor disapears in the next 5 minutes, then I will except Jesus as my savior. Amen

   Grandma complained no one ever calls so I put a "How's My Driving?" bumper sticker on her car. The phone pretty much rings off the hook now.

   I donate .05 cents a day to a local charity. That way whenever someone tells me how great there day was I can say "Yeah, well I donated to charity"

   Men suck... Sent from Kitchen

   Just gonna stand there and watch me roar, but that's alright because I am a dinosaur.