Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife had a facelift today,not high enough,i can still see it,

   Carrot cakes sounds like it shouldn't be a real thing

   Whenever I feel intimidated by someone I imagine them drinking out of a rabbit water bottle.

   I wish I could get as excited about anything as the dog does about going for a ride.

   People who say that winning isn't important, never win.

   I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn't mind driving a tractor around.

   I colored my hair today. Never doing that again. It took 5 hours and 12 Sharpies.

   Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.

   Love songs are liars.

   Have you ever lost your sunglasses on top of your head?...me neither...

   Dryer broke, microwave works, laundry is now dry.

   In the past, when you were angry with someone you argued with them. Now you just delete them off Facebook.

   Sexy Mode [ON] OFF

   I'm happy for you as long as you're not happier than me.

   They told me to set my clock back Saturday night... Well I set mine back till when I was 27... Come Sunday morning after partying all night... I found out that it didn't work out so well...

   it safe to smoke an electronic cigarette on a plane???

   Dad...I forgot to brush my teeth before school. That's okay...here's a piece of gum:)

   Ladies, my lost and found box is getting full. So, if you're missing an earring, silk scarves, lingerie or a prosthetic leg....let me know.

   Time for the daily stare contest between me and my TV

   currently accepting applications for a new girlfriend. The competition is pretty fierce! I've already received on that stated under military experience, “I go commando several times a month.”