Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This Christmas I'm going to surround the fireplace with bubblewrap so I can catch that Santa and ask him why he never got me that pony when I was little and see how he is going to make it up to me or I will hold Rudolph hostage.

   Just so we're clear: I know we agreed not to purchase gifts for each other this year, but you weren't serious. :)

   Turtles can breathe out of their butt, which is incredible, considering most humans can only talk out of theirs.

   so poor that the alarm system in my house is a sheet of bubble wrap on the floor.

   Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

   Girls: just remember each morning when you put on makeup, somewhere in the world a clown is starting his day doing exactly the same thing.

   Hallmark Card: "I've always wanted someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

   Sometimes, late at night, I stop by Walgreens and switch up all the colors in the hair dye kits.

   Just saw the couch I sold at my garage sale at another garage sale

   Decisions are made when I'm tired of thinking.

   Grandma knew 27 spots on the human body where she could inflict pain without leaving a mark. She was like a Ninja.

   Its pretty sad when even your xmas tree has blue balls.

   Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?

   "Until death do us part” means we're all single in heaven, right?

   Honk if you love God, text while driving if you want to meet him...

   How did Miley Cyrus get a pack a day smoker voice at 18?

   Ur as slutty as a bowling ball, you get picked up, fingered, thrown down an alley and still come back for more...=P

   This is a 1:1 scale model of a Facebook update.

   It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look without the beer googles.

   Do car companies REALLY think it's possible that a spouse is secretly able to obtain financing, purchase a car, have it wrapped in a bow, and delivered on Christmas Eve?