Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.

   I can't believe that it's the year 2010 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.

   I feel bad for Santa....the poor guy only comes once a year

   I don't like it when other shoppers look in my cart while at the grocery store. Trying to steal my ideas, go think up your own dinner!

   People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.

   If anyone sees a bunch of people in their front yard tonight, don't be alarmed, were just christmas tree shopping.

   This just in WIKILEAKS plans to reveal what you are getting for Xmas......

   I gots to say nothing turns me on more then looking at some of these pics on facebook of these chicks flippin the bird....I mean its so dang sexy...Its the kinda pic you can show your grandkids and tell them thats how you fell for their grandma..

   If Sarah Palin married Hilary Clinton, who would be the butch one?

   All I want for Christmas is the charges dropped.

   another day closer to being worm food......

   NOTE TO SELF: Please stop writing yourself notes. Love, Self

   How is Justin Bieber 1 of the 10 most fascinating people...

   Son: Dad is it ok to love a midget, Dad- depends on if your nuts over her

   I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.

   Give back to your community what they claim to have given to you.

   Hey homeless guy, quick tip: don't panhandle outside the 99 Cent Store, we're not that far from you.

   My daughter spilled a whole bottle of baby powder on her room because she wanted to practice ice skating. Are you serious Disney channel?

   If we really want to keep our sensitive documents safe... Why don't we keep them with Obamas birth certificate?

   I'm kinda like Han Solo. Always strokin my own wookie