Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dude, you're going bald. That ballcap and shoulder length hair don't hide the fact.

   It is not fastfood if you keep me waiting for 20 minutes for a damn burger!

   Well... it finally happened. I got a notice that I am being sued by Metallica for $1.3M not paying for their music... I never pirated their music... but I never bought an album either, so I guess that's the complaint.

   The combination of wet-phlegm laryngitis and requesting Mucinex D from the pharmacist produced comedic results that cannot be cleanly reproduced on Facebook.

   If I spent as many hours learning how to play guitar as I do on Facebook, I'd be a freakin' Jimi Hendrix

   It's Topless Tuesday night! Woot!

   If a woman says she likes it she hates it, if she says she loves it she likes it, if she is speechless she loves it

   The closest thing to failure is hope

   Sex is a sensation that starts with a temptation where a boy puts his location in a girls destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Does everyone get my explanation or do you all need a demonstration?

   Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs are Italian, the mechanics are German, the Lovers are french and it is all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss

   Men are like a deck of cards. You need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them, a club to bash his head in with... and a spade to bury him with.

   Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance . Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair . Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage . Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

   a computer allows you to make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history... with the possible exception of handguns and tequila

   The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons

   There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note, "Don't eat me." Now there's an empty plate and a note, Don't tell me what to do.

   likes to sit in the pharmacy on my phone talking about how I have a contagious rash on 90% of my body and the Dr. can't find a medicine that works!

   If cigarettes are required to have graphic warning labels, beer manufacturers should have to warn drinkers of possible sex with ugly people...

   I always know the right thing to say immediately AFTER the right time to say it has passed!

   If there's even a scrap of paper in a shopping cart, I pass on it. I came here for grocery, not scabies.

   Based on the seemingly random things my autocorrect suggests I sometimes wonder if it is trying to communicate with me.