Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does every BLACK joke start with the person looking over both shoulders and talking quiet?

   Just took a dump and thought to myself... What did people do before iPhones? How awkward it must have been reading them huge newspapers.

   I bet you were one of those kids that ate the paste while gluing on cotton balls to make Santa's beard.

   Wanna play "Santa"? I let you sit on my lap and tell me what you want. I pretend to listen, call you a ho ho ho, stuff your stocking and you swallow some egg nog.

   Officer: You know why I pulled you over just now? Me: You didn't see me the first two times?

   My sandwich told me I was crazy so I ate him, because crazy people don't eat talking sandwiches.

   Brett Favre just said "I probably won't participate tonight because of stiffness", I bet he's never said that before

   Winter Weather Advisory: Go back to bed until mid April.

   Just invented the funnest work game ever: while on the phone with a man call him ma'am. Listening to them deepen their voices is hilarious!

   its so cold outside, that my grandmother's false teeth was chattering (and they are in a jar)

   It's been almost a year, and just for the record, you're STILL lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.

   Every kiss may begin with Kay, but it ends with a high credit card bill!

   If they REALLY wanted us to have a happy period tampons would vibrate

   "Roses are reddish, Violets are Bluish. If it weren't for Christmas, We'd all be Jewish." ~ Benny Hill

   I now know what that black stuff is between elephants toenails....slow natives.

   Ok I've had enough of this winter crap. I say we plot now to take out the groundhog. I got a shotgun.

   If Windows 7 is my idea, why the heck do I have to pay for it?

   I'm an optimist and Windows 8 will be my idea.

   All I have ever wanted is to be left alone......................in South America...............with a tribe of sex-starved Amazon women

   ”The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.” – George Washington