Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   37% of Americans agree that while they would hate being British, they wouldn't mind having a British accent.

   Who's cruel idea was it to put the 's' in lisp?

   On Gilligan's Island, if the professor could build a radio out of coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in the boat?

   If Mike Brady was supposed to be this groovy architect, why did he force SIX kids into TWO bedrooms?

   If cocaine were legal, would they sell it in little packages like Sweet N' Low? Would they call it Sweet N' High?

   You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken.

   What? Pale anti-social skinny white guys are now considered sexy! Thank you Twilight!!

   Never weed wack poison ivy in the nude.

   Captains log,Stardate 3.1415926535 I seem to have a strange urge for Pie today

   If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

   Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents

   Always remember to pillage before you burn.

   You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them until they become afraid and give in.

   am not single, I'm romantically challenged.

   Actually officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all speeding.

   When I was young, we didn't have MTV. We had to take drugs and go to rock concerts.

   The Lawyer's Creed: "A man is innocent until proven broke."

   The bad guys don't always wear black hats, the good guys rarely win, and the cavalry never, ever shows up just in the nick of time!

   Captain's log, stardate 41358.2. I am nailed to the hull.

   Note to Self: Singing the theme song to Two and a Half Men while watching it, fun and acceptable. Singing it while in the showers at the gym, not so much.