Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   waiting for Cmac to tap the microphone and say "Is this thing on?"

   U know you mexican when you wrap christmas presents with a knife instead of scissors.lol

   I am the old guy who cut you off, took your parking spot, glared at you in the mall, called the cops on your party last night...and married your Grandma

   Sometimes, I intentionally wait a few minutes before I "comment" on a FB friends "comment" about my status just so they think that I actually do something else besides stare at my computer all day

   If I look like I'm being bashful chances are I'm just trying to cover my nose, because when you talk I can smell your teeth dying.

   Every year, grandma gets run over by a reindeer. I wonder if this year, if I left some extra cookies, Santa'd aim for my ex instead?

   Met someone today named Ophelia Ball. Was I childish for giggling during encounter?

   would rather be sodimized by two out of the three Jonas brothers, than listen to another Bieber song....It would be three out of three, but the one with the curly hair reminds me of a clown--I hate F@#king clowns...

   Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.

   I'm convinced this formula is correct: big car stereo = small wiener

   Just saw an ambulance with paramedics in front of a psychic shop, I guess they didn't see that one coming!

   The women I work with must have the most disgusting bathrooms at home for that kind of smell to emanate right outside the "Ladies Room".

   saw a rather unattractive pregnant woman and thought, "Neat...Good for you."

   Apparently, "You're a douchebag!" isn't what my boss had in mind when he asked, "So, what do you think?"...I guess honesty isn't always the best policy...

   Why does it seem like I need a machete, a jack hammer, and Jaws of life nearby everytime I need to remove a childs toy from it's packaging

   Dear Santa...Thank You for the response, but telling me to review my web browser history, wasn't what I meant! But, well played Santa...Well played...

   congratulates Chris CMac on discovering his stream of consciousness - lame Chris but at least you're thinking

   When people hate on you, laugh at them, and then start making their voodoo dolls.!

   I never get mad enough to punch a hole in the wall, but my pillow, different story.

   Local girl Joanna Mow leaps to her death on her birthday... Your middle name wouldn't be Ronny would it ,Jo?