Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change

   Every time I pull a flash drive out of a computer I feel like a spy.

   Thanksgiving: The only day where it's American to stuff your face and be proud of it!

   Hi this is Bob barker encouraging yoiu to help stop the spread of crappy music. Have your Beiber spayed or neutered.

   REMEMBER:If you burn down your house on Thanksgiving....the Turkey wins.

   Surviving this massive amount of "family time" by pretending they are mental patients and I'm their case manager.

   Was just informed that Turkeys cant fly. Thats messed up! All those times hunting and I was looking up!!

   I'm doing a water balloon drive by at bestbuy tonight at 23:00 hours...... Whose with me?!?!

   Anyone that asks me to go shopping on Black Friday will be slapped.

   Heroine killed the curiosity cat.....

   can't decide which one goes better with cranberry sauce...Grey Goose or Wild Turkey?

   I consider gluttony my patriotic duty today.

   Shot my first turkey yesterday....scared the sh!t out of everybody in the frozen food section!

   "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

   I shot my first turkey yesterday....scared the crap out of everybody in the frozen food section!

   The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have.

   gravy flavored coffee. Poor choice.

   never call a newborn "My little tax deduction" in front of your wife.... Trust me.

   you get what you pay for... Nothing proves this more than toilet paper and hookers

   if you wanna womanise.., you should condomise..