Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want my tombstone to read: Keep In Touch.

   Sex is the best activity in the world...whoever disagrees needs to get some.

   Anyone who thinks unemployment benefits keep people from looking for work isn't living on unemployment benefits.

   Crying doesn't indicate that you're weak. Since birth, it has been a sign that you're alive.

   just doesn't give a sh!t today, but just in case I start to, I'm starting a list...Your goal-->Stay off the list!

   getting ready to steal wireless from the neighbor...and boy I sure hope the signal is strong.

   i gotta stop playing call of duty black ops, I swear today at work I thought I could upgrade my staple gun..

   Elton John adopting a newborn at 68??? Really? I mean, shouldn't he be picking out coffins instead of cradles?

   Just when you got used to writting 2010....BAM!!! 2011 shows up!

   Hey John its your grandmother. Could you tell me how to work this cell phone you got me for Christmas? ~ Sent via payphone.

   Say alpha...Kenny...body... now say it all together and fast!! OMG! Ur disgusting!

   I have a lot of people in my phone with the last name "FromTheBar".

   Wow, I have a lot of people named "Do Not Answer" in my phone...

   thinks he knows why Chloe Kardashian and Chewbacca have never been seen in the same room together...

   Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

   Can see into the future. I predict the most popular status update on Jan. 1st will be something to do with people being "hungover"

   If companies embedded subliminal messages in the code for solitaire and angry birds, productivity would go through the roof.

   Onions can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make ppl laugh

   curious. Who will win, Optimus Prime or Voltes V? ..... Answer: TV remote

   placing myself in "TIME OUT" until I am able to play nice with others!