Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease, sometimes it gets replaced.

   A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

   What are a man's three favorite games? Checker, Chess & Poker. (If you didn't get this say it quickly to yourself)

   Every good friend once was a stranger.

   Someone should help Rihanna. She likes rude boys, loves being lied to, thinks she's the only girl in the world & has forgotten her name

   The only reason kids like Christmas is because they're not the ones buying all the presents.

   Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office.

   Apparently, rush hour starts the second I put my key in the ignition, no matter what time I leave.

   You know how when you walk up a staircase in the dark and you can't see where the last step is? I live for that feeling.

   doesn't think that even Ferris Bueller could get him out of work tomorrow.. :-(

   I like to think that when you die, you get to see your stats and high scores like at the end of a video game.

   I struggle every time someone says "I want the truth" not to tell them "you can't handle the truth!"

   Dear Winter, I am breaking up with you. It's not me, It's you, you make me miserable. I think it's time I start seeing other seasons. you wouldn't by chance have the phone number of your hot cousin Summer?

   To all the people that send those annoying Christmas chain text messages I HOPE YOU GET COAL THIS YEAR UNDER YOUR TREE!!!

   Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I'm not beating her.

   Using a stapler and duct tape sure makes wrapping presents easy....

   BREAKING NEWS: Rudolph commits suicide after Santa upgrades to GPS

   I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.

   doesn't think drinking will solve your problems... but it will give you lots of interesting new ones.

   Some relatives are like seeing Santa; you only care to see them once a year.