Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Uses profanity the way Picasso used a paintbrush.

   Look, if we get caught, just act like we don't speak English. Ok?

   Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important.

   Why are the women in maxipad commercials always wearing white pants? Don't they realize it's after labor day?

   A woman woke her husband one night and said, 'There's a burglar in the kitchen eating my home-made steak and kidney pie!' 'Oh dear: said her husband. 'Who shall I call, police or ambulance?'

   A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession. "Who died?" he asked a nearby local. "I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think it's the one in the coffin."

   Once they learn how to prevent pizza rolls from exploding out molten hot lava, then I'll believe in the ability if science.

   never questions authority, he annoys authority. More effect, less effort.

   RIP to all the snowmen who died fighting the sun

   People say I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

   about to do something awesome, again, but she told herself, "Enough is enough! That's plenty of awesome for one day."

   23 more days until I return my crappy gifts for stuff I really want.

   I make, picking up my dry cleaning, look like a drug deal. That way people always wonder what I am laundering!

   bad in all the good ways.

   This afternoon after work, I plan to take my talents down to the bar

   noticed a recent increase in former girlfriends on FB that are now married. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them. But with the divorce rate in this country I should be getting some nice rebound sex sooner rather than later.

   wow it's R. Kelly cold out there! And by R. Kelly cold, I mean "in the teens"

   This Christmas I'm going to surround the fireplace with bubblewrap so I can catch that Santa and ask him why he never got me that pony when I was little and see how he is going to make it up to me or I will hold Rudolph hostage.

   Just so we're clear: I know we agreed not to purchase gifts for each other this year, but you weren't serious. :)

   Turtles can breathe out of their butt, which is incredible, considering most humans can only talk out of theirs.