Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   reading other statuses but your status is important to him. Please stay online and your status will be read in priority sequence. Approximate wait time 17 min

   All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

   When someone comments on an old picture, your first thought is, "Wow I forgot about this! Thanks for the comment." immediately before this thought: "Why was this person looking through ALL my photos??"

   Next year we should just skip to 2013. Problem solved and a cool story for the history books.

   People are puzzled with all the dead birds in Arkansas...Really? It's Arkansas folks...just surprised they lasted as long as they did before they figured they could end their stay there by hurling themselves to the ground...

   Wow! They have little tablets to turn your bathwater different colors. You know what I had to go through to turn mine yellow.

   I wonder what is more of a rarity, a four-leaf clover or a heterosexual cowboys fan?

   Me and my girlfriend are having a communication problem. Every time I ring, her husband answers the phone.

   once took a piss into the gas tank of a freight truck as a joke. That freight truck is now known as optimis prime

   wondering what's the appropriate amount of time to wait, before it's okay to punch somebody for saying "Happy New Year"...apparently I started too soon...

   Dear end slices of bread, I hate you!

   Dear Government, disco died, please update your hold music.

   I think the best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.

   there a Monday's for dummies ?? I really need it

   courtesy just isn't that common anymore. That and decent customer service.

   the electronic sign said to call 911 if we see drunk drivers, isnt it against the law to use your phone in the car ?

   This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.

   Warning Labels are ruining process of elimination

   The gym was so crowded today I had to skip my workout. Fortunately the line at Dunkin Donuts was shorter than usual. I love New Year's resolutions...

   behind every successful woman there is a satisfied man but behind a satified woman there is an exhausted man