Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Oprah, thanks for clarifying you're not a lesbian. We were all wondering...

   #1 I am sorry to break this to you baby but you are not #1. you are not even #10. To be honest I don't think you even made the speed dial list! However, you will always be my favorite Grandma!

   #1-900 I used to like to talk to you on late Friday nights when all my friends were out with their girls. Then you went and raise your rates!

   Answered the door today and a giant grasshopper spit in my face and kicked me hard in the shin , I phoned my doctor and he said not to worry , there was a really nasty bug going around

   I heard your story and wanted to remind you that a sea bearing vessel loaded with male cattle is called a . . . BULLSHIP!

   #4 Girl, did you know your eyes are such a beautiful color of blue . . . It reminds me of the water in my toilet . . .

   Inbox me your Bank Account or Credit Card number and I will post in my status which bill I paid with it or which Christmas gift I purchased. This is one numbers game I will play.

   So...I met this really nice girl at closing time last night. Granted, she's missing both her front teeth but Christmas is coming, right?!? I think it can work...

   In order to refrain from spending too much on Christmas, I'm voluntarily placing myself in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.

   I'm sorry, did someone say something about global warming? Let me remove my 3 extra layers of clothes, hat, gloves, scarf, longjohns, and earmuffs, and get comfortable under my electric blanket and then you can tell me about it.

   Do you know where the nearest phone booth is located? Just I thought, Superman is screwed!

   Copy this and put it in your status if you know someone or have heard of someone who knows someone. If you don't know anyone or even if you've just heard of someone who doesn't know anyone then do still copy this. It's important to spread the message...

   A chinese delivery man just dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch timing Mr. Wong!!!

   My favorite text message: "I'll be there in 5 minutes...if not, read this again."

   I am always confused when people ask me.. "Did you sleep good?" I always wonder if they want me to say.."No, I made a few mistakes"..

   Does a one legged duck swim in a circle?

   Just got an email from Myspace that said, "see what your friends are up to!". Facebook. That's what they are up to. It's over....Tom

   it's not possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement!

   Do fleas ever wonder if there's life on other dogs?

   Here's an idea for Christmas; Give children batteries with a note saying toys not included!!! lol