Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   beginning to think that this whole "being an adult" thing is not as fun as I had envisioned as a child, except for the alcohol part.

   whoever believes this 2012 crap about the world ending.......i mean seriously.....maybe the Mayans just figured it was already thousands of years past their time so why keep counting..........just sayin.......

   A movie about Justin Bieber's life? I am looking forward to part 2, "From Puberty To Obscurity."

   so I go to walmart and see two problems, 1. they have a justin bieber doll and 2. you press his crotch to hear him sing...

   I just got home from the convenience store where I saw two homeless people making out. It was gross so I was about to yell "Get a Room", luckily I caught myself just in time

   The man on a date always wonders if he'll get lucky but te woman already knows

   I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

   A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.

   Confucius say Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner if she stops sucking, replace the bag

   For those of you whose New Years Resolution is to lose weight. There is one simple diet that works. It is, as follows: If it tastes good - spit it out.

   Sometimes, I think facbook doesn't know me at all. People You May Know? I don't know any of these MoFo's!!!

   When telling someone the first rule about Fight Club, aren't you in fact breaking that rule yourself?

   Jersey Shore is the reason for mental retardation in America. #teamlohan

   Dear Hotel Decorator, why do you insist on putting the coffee maker next to the toilet?

   Johnny Weir came out as gay in his new book.... in other news the sky is blue

   ..Elizabeth Edwards leaves hubby John out of will. Somewhere in NY, Bill Clinton sits nervously, wondering

   Wow! I just heard something on TV as "Welcome to the Million Dollar Money Shot!" I was most disappointed to discover I misheard the word "drop".

   if you're on a dating site and put that your "not looking for anything serious" in your profile why not be honest and just say "l need to get laid!"

   poking someone right after they accept your friend request dirty?

   In my will, I'm giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn't say a word.