Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   on my way to the catalina wine mixer....

   You know you've been playing "Call of Duty" too much, when during sex, you shout "COVER ME! I'm RELOADING!"

   i find tinsel distracting

   I'm buying 100 Gyro-bowls for Christmas. I'm tired of spilling my vodka when I stumble out of the bathroom. who wants one?

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss when she told me that she loved seeing me hard at work.

   if you want to feel skinny....hang out with a group of fat people!

   #5856 That's how many troops have been killed in Iraq & Afghanistan protecting freedom. The other number games don't matter.

   Can I refill your eggnog for ya? Get ya something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave ya for dead?

   I learned two valuable lessons today: 1. 2. Write down valuable lessons before you smoke weed.

   I hate sharing a name with someone famous. I'm always telling people, "No, no! I'm not THAT Batman!"

   I better lay off the Christmas cookies, my snow angel I just made looks like someone just pulled a stump out of my yard.

   Since that one incident in the restroom, I can never look at chocolate the same......

   The quiet evening in didn't sound that promising until I realized I have beer in the fridge!

   Smiling at the person who know's they have pissed you off can be the highlight of your day. :)

   ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ

   thinks that swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.

   If you take off your clothes during a spat and you're a woman you're gonna get laid but if you'r e a man you're gonna get kicked in the balls...

   So tell me, how DO you keep up with all your lies?

   You know you're addicted to Facebook when you log off your computer, leave the house, get in your car and log back on using your phone.

   When you and your significant other is having an argument, just take all of your clothes off during the spat and stand there. Something is bound to happen.