Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I was two faced, do you think I'd be wearing this one?

   Ever notice in movies that all the bad stuff happens after having sex? Like the Terminator showed up just minutes after the sex scene.

   ‎'If you see an angry bear, pretend to be dead,'...are you sure? I won't be pretending for long. It's a bear that's already angry. The last thing I should be doing is playing a practical joke on it.

   Obama thinks that $172,000 a year is a modest salary. Scratching my head .....I want a modest salary!!!

   Coupon Susie and I were going to get married, but it turned out she just wasn't cut out for me.

   I have been so lazy this week the the Government called and asked if I wanted a check!!!

   thinks the world would be a lot more fun if people screamed when they yawned...

   wanna know why that dog hangs his head out the car window,cause the drivers breath stinks ,...

   still has a crush on Winnie Cooper.

   how you doing(in that guy with the golden voice kind of voice)

   got fired today but is planning on showing up to work tomorrow anyway hoping they forgot...

   Statistically in 2010, 43,869,800 people changed their relationship status to single yet I am still sitting home alone on Saturday night??

   Dear other countries, we can't explain Jersey Shore's popularity either.

   ‎9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

   When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they're being annoying little bastrds.

   No matter what I do... I always end up back to Facebook... I try to look for other things to do online... but apparently seeing other peoples statuses, conversations, pictures, videos, and occasionally getting poked entertains me...

   Do people comment on picture 57/109 from a year ago because they want you to know they're a stalker?

   Idiot-[id-ee-uht] noun: One who disagrees with me. Synonyms: Fool, Half-wit, Imbecile, Twit, Moron

   Nothing funnier than a pissed off mall cop on a Segway. With those goofy helmets on, I just can't take them seriously.

   If you're a millionaire and you don't have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you're wasting it.